A Wife

[Lulua]

A Wife

A lecture by Sheikh Abdullah Adhami


By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you; when you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for some time she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says: "They are your garments and you are their garments." (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187). Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72)

Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.

Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She outran him but later after she had gained some weight, he outran her. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam took his wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and disintegrating. Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said "One would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife"

Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car door for her, etc. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.

Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always result in having more peace at home.

Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam gave glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake the other spouse up, even by splashing cold water on his/her face.

Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said, "The best of you are those who are best to their wives"

Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love what she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's parents coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her "I don't like your parents." Naturally she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said, "I don't like yours either." Also, it is not enough that you love her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.

The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years, extended to include all those she loved; this love of his continued even after her death. It was many years after her death and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was slaughtered in his house he would send portions of it to Khadija's family and friends and whenever he felt that the visitor at the door might be Khadija's sister Hala, he would pray saying, "O Allah let it be Hala."

[Bushra]

I always think that a spouse who wakes his/her spouse for the Tahajjud prayer is the Best kind(though I wonder where they are).
But What I'm seeing of Muslim men nowadays is that they barely go the Mosque for Fajr. Its so sad. I know men work hard etc., but money and Family are not as important as a man's spiritual life. There was this wonderful Hadeeth about the Prophet (p.b.u.h.). Ayesha (r.a.a.) said that he would talk with them and they with him, but as soon as he heard the Azan, he would act like he didnt know them. Meaning that he would respond to Allah's prayer with such devotion.

[Muslihah]

As-Salamu-Alaikum br.Bushra,

I think your statement about money and family are not important than the spiritual of a man should be elaborated.

When a man's spiritual life is well built, he will know his duty towards his mother,his father, his children and wife.In fact he will find a way to make his parent proud, and he will try his best to produce good muslim children and at the same time educate his wife.Money is needed to do all of these task.We are living in a high-tech world.We know that Islam can never be outdated.It is us who should be upgraded.Even before civilisation, man become gatherers and hunters to search for food.We can't just sit in the mosque, pray to Allah, hoping He would send down rizq from the sky.Rizq is not only money, but it can be children and knowledge, or maybe more.

Mankind are created as khalifah on this world.Not destroyer.We are told to disperse or spread out and look for a suitable job.We can be merchants, we can be businessmen, we can be doctors, engineers, farmers and many other professions as long as our motives are for Allah alone.If these occupations are to be observed carefully, we can find that they do contribute alot to the men's lives.Doing good deeds towards mankind is a worship.

Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah's Apostle said, "The deeds of anyone of you will not save you (from the (Hell) Fire)." They said, "Even you (will not be saved by your deeds), O Allah's Apostle?" He said, "No, even I (will not be saved) unless and until Allah bestows His Mercy on me. Therefore, do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately, and worship Allah in the forenoon and in the afternoon and during a part of the night, and always adopt a middle, moderate, regular course whereby you will reach your target (Paradise)."

Muslihah

[Bushra]

Wa alaikum assalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatahu.
My issue was that men (and women for that matter) seem to give more importance to money & family than their spiritual lives. It was not a statement set to undermine their (m & f) importance. I just feel that if a man was working too hard, where would he find the time for contemplation, or Dawah? Would it be left on our (women) shoulders to handle the above?

[Muslihah]

As-Salamu-Alaikum,

Never judge a person by the physical means.Those people may work hard but we cannot just conclude that they are forgetting their duties.Who knows, they are sparing an hour or two to read the Quran or any Islamic books after office hours.They still have weekends to participate in the Mosque activities, and they also have Friday night to perform Tahajjud prayer.Islam never forces a man to do extra then what are instructed.It all depends on inviduals.For instant, one minute concentration in worship sincerely is better than one hour of being forced.

It is true that dakwah cannot be abandon, and it is supposed to be handled by both men and women.Surely, it is easier to men where else women needed to be with their mahram to meet outsiders, yet they are still important to carry out dakwah among their own kind.Now we have the internet to communicate where everyone talks behind the moniter screens.

What you are pointing out is that a man may not have the time for dakwah if he works so hard.Actually working is the one of the way to spread Islam.Nowdays Islam has reached all over the world, even the remote areas I guess.So all we have to do is to explain in detail what Islam really is through our daily activities.It is very hard to convince people by speech but our way can be sufficient.Lets take an example from our dearest Prophet s.a.w, when he was a merchant.Those at that time trust him because he never cheat even a little.And another example from Sayyidina Ali, when he was a caliph.His armour was stolen and later he saw it with a jew.He brought up the case to the judge to settle things down.Not him.He told the judge that it was his armour and the jew told that he brought it from someone.In the end, he closed the case because there was no real evidences.The Jew then converted to Islam.See, a Muslim doesn't have to isolate himself for spiritual life.We just have to do things wisely to live our normal lives at the same time carry out dakwah and aim for the improvement.


Muslihah

[Bushra]

Assalaamu alaikum!
Firstly, I wasnt judging anyone. I never assumed that Muslim men who work dont have spiritual lives. I only wondered about those people whose days are spent devotedly in their work lives, or with their families. Is it easy for them, after spending a hard day at work, etc., to sit down and contemplate on the Qur'an? Or can a man who does not have the time to read Ahadeeth, guide himself let alone others?
As I stated before, I'm not judging anyone. If people do find the time - then Alhamdulillah!

[Muslihah]

Wa-Alaikumu-Salam,

Come on,chill.I was only trying to correct your statement.There are others who read this message, and I do not like anyone to misinterpret Islam.It is up to you to be grateful or angry because of my posts.I don't really care anyway, I always receive that kind of responds most of the time.Massalam.

Muslihah

[Bushra]

??
Assalaamu alaikum.
I think you're reading too much behind the lines. I was neither angry (!) nor grateful (?). I considered all this healthy discussion of ones' views.
take it easy!:-)

[BinZiad]

Peace too all members...

We dont want any sort of cat fights here (:))!!!

Now...

:..Firstly, I wasnt judging anyone. I never assumed that Muslim men who work dont have spiritual lives. I only wondered about those people whose days are spent devotedly in their work lives, or with their families. Is it easy for them, after spending a hard day at work, etc., to sit down and contemplate on the Qur'an? Or can a man who does not have the time to read Ahadeeth, guide himself let alone others?..."

Being a man myself or man to be, how can you brush the concept of 'mans' with one brush, there are many men with spiritual lives who have a dear earge to go towards allah, there are certain men who are not on that stage, similar to women also.

Now, many do reflect upon the quran and i know many, (how many do you know..?) Who do read and act upon hadiths, so the real thing here is that, men and women have good points and bad points, but we need each other, for the power supply of the pc will not start without the motherboard...makes sense?.!....

And the other sister, should not take things at face value, your sisters, i thought women have an 'extra' loving sisterhood between them, or is it with only the brotherhood..?...

BinZiad

[Bushra]

[updated:LAST EDITED ON 15-03-02 AT 11:11 AM (GMT)]Assalaamu alaikum !
It's partly my fault - I should have made things clearer. When I spoke of Men, I was trying to take people in general. Men who r too busy with their work lives, and women who r too busy with their families (or vice-versa for that matter).
I Never meant that All Men Are laying off. I just noticed that there are fewer men in the Mosque during Fajr then there should be. If you notice, the discussion started off when I said that the perfect spouse would be a man who is so afraid of Allah, he'd wake up for Tahajjud and wake his wife up as well. The Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h.) did it. And some of the best Muslim men have been like this - the few I know of include Saeed ibn Amir, who did'nt have a servant, and would knead and bake the bread for his family - he was also the Governor of Homs. And he would wake up his family for Tahajjud (Allah knows best).
I'm not out to offend anyone by stating the virtues of the people above. I'm not a perfect woman, so if you used an example of the Mother of believers with me, I would only hope & Try to measure up, Insha'Allah.
P.S.:I'm kind of confused about how i could have offended Muslihah.

[Muslihah]

Assalamualaikum sister,
Sorry for calling you brother in the first place.I didn't feel offended, just accepted your use of exclaimation mark wrongly.I guess everything's clear now.Lets continue to keep most of the threads here going.:-)

Muslihah