parents refuse me katib iktab

[Salwa (Guest)]

i am Lebanese Muslim girl and live in the USA. I got engaged about 9 months ago but have not done the katib iktab. Me and my fiance (who is also Muslim) want to niktob il kitab, but my family is refusing. His family (and everyone outside of mine) beleives that my parents do not want me and him together and that is why my parents won't let us take the next step. Although me and my fiance are still in college, we have great paying jobs, alhumdullah. My parents say they want me to wait until I am done with college, which is 2 more years. My fiance is in his mid 20's while i am 20. My family says that I am too young for all this now and want me to wait for marriage. I want to get married next year, and want katib il kitab now, but they refuse me that right. Me and my fiance, ofcourse, want the katib il kitab because its better and we are in love. Even if I hold his hand, I feel guilty because its not halal. Regardless of all this, we are in love and I feel that their reasons are not legitimate enough. When my siblings got married, neither one had my parents permission (because they did not marry muslims) and I am the only one of my siblings that is begging them for their blessing and is marrying a Muslim. Okay, I think you all get the point now. So, could you please help me and suggest what I can do or say to convince them. Thank you very much. Salam.

[Nzingha]

as salaam alaikum

I don't understand your need to have such confusion in marriage. you make a contract and it is recited w/ witnesses.. one party asks for the other the other agrees.. your married.. these cultural things about marriage are in no way based on islamic sources.




- Never do I argue with a man with a desire to hear him say what is wrong, or to expose him and win victory over him. Whenever I face an opponent in debate I silently pray - O Lord, help him so that truth may flow from his heart and on his tongue, and so that if truth is on my side, he may follow me; and if truth be on his side, I may follow him.
al-Imam Al-Shafi'i

[Salwa (Guest)]

Nzingha, Thanks for your reply. I understand that religion presides over culture, and for me, my religion is everything. But, for my family, they keep wanting to me to wait for katib il kitab, which makes no sense because in Islam, there is no such thing as "just engaged." There is katib il kitab and thats pretty much both engagment and marriage. I don't know how to make my parents understand that I want to live by God's will, and not theirs. The right to do what Allah tells me presides over what my parents tell me. But I am not sure how I can make them agree for katib il kitab. I thought they should be happy that I want to do what is right, but they are complicating my life, and my fiance's life. So, if you, or anyone else has any suggestions, please let me know because I am in need of help.
Salam,
Salwa

[Nzingha]

as salaam alaikum

hmm dunno parents are difficult.. i know it is hard to leave indepth culture behind (i have inlaws with alot of cultural things) maybe you can come to a compromise?? try waiting for a few more months.. say 5 or something. Have it in your contract that it your husband must permit you to finish your school at your scheduled time.. meaning.. he can't move ya.. or decide he doesn't want you to go.. or decides to go find a job where you can't finish.. things like that. That at least will give some surety to your family. And maybe suggest putting off children until you are finished as well. I know some may totally disagree with this.. but this will at least apease your parents.. and it will also get you marreid inshallah .. there are two things not to put off.. 1. a funeral 2. a wedding. So try to accomodate them as much as possible without it being a harm to you and your fiance.

it is very unreasonable for them to expect you to wait two years.. and your fiance at that. I'm sure they just want you to have the security that education will bring to you. What happens if ya divorce.. you gave up your eductation for him. yadda yadda

I pray that Allah makes it easy for ya.. i know it is very difficult.

ma salaam
nzingha



- Never do I argue with a man with a desire to hear him say what is wrong, or to expose him and win victory over him. Whenever I face an opponent in debate I silently pray - O Lord, help him so that truth may flow from his heart and on his tongue, and so that if truth is on my side, he may follow me; and if truth be on his side, I may follow him.
al-Imam Al-Shafi'i

[Salwa (Guest)]

Salam 3laikom.
Nzingha, thanks for replying back to me, I really appreicate it. You had suggessted that I wait a few months or so, but its actually been 9 1/2 months now. So I have been waiting for my parents to accept things, but they don't want to I guess.
About having finishing my education in the contract, thats a really good idea. I am sure that my fiance wants me to finish my education, just like I want him him to finsish his. And about the kids, I don't want them anytime soon, but I know when you are married, Allah might have different plans for you. Anyways, I don't understand my parents, I have an answer for pretty much any question they throw at me, but I just cannot seem to convince them, and I don't want to do it behind their backs. When I was talking to my fiance's brother, we were talking about how things are unfair for me because of how my sisters got married (they married ppl outside of islam without my parents blessing or consent), and how I am the only one who is struggling to marry a Muslim and do it the right way. I am doing everything they say and trying to obey them, but its not getting me anywhere. His brother and I were talking about if I decide to do it behind there backs, to let him know so he could arrange everything for me and my fiance. His family is wonderful, alhumduallah, and they would do anything for me (as I would do for them), but I am hoping to God that my situation will not lead to me going behind my parents back.

I am so confused as to what to do, I am just waiting for answers I guess. So, if you, or anyone else, has some more advice, I would greatly appreicate it.

Salam,

Salwa

[Nzingha]

as salaam alaikum

I suggest going to your parents with a contract that stipulates you finishing your eduction on schedule.. if this does not convince them.. make istakarah and ask Allah.. because at this point their being a bit unreasonable if they have no objection to the man on a valid basis they should not hinder you. You would not be in the wrong to marry under such circumstances and they would have to learn to get over it

ma salaam
nzingha



- Never do I argue with a man with a desire to hear him say what is wrong, or to expose him and win victory over him. Whenever I face an opponent in debate I silently pray - O Lord, help him so that truth may flow from his heart and on his tongue, and so that if truth is on my side, he may follow me; and if truth be on his side, I may follow him.
al-Imam Al-Shafi'i

[Salwa (Guest)]

Al Salam 3laikom,
Nzingha, thanks so much for your advice, I'm going to do what you said. You are absolutely right and they should not have any objections, everyone sees that except my family. I want to follow what my religon tells me, maybe thats a crime these days. Thanks again for helping :). Inshallah I can resolve this issue soon with them. Your advice has made me more confident about making them agree. I'll keep you updated.

Salam,
Salwa