Marriage

[Maha (Guest)]

Asalamu Alaykum,

Recently a Muslim brother asked my father for my hand and my father accepted. I am more than willing to marry this man and be a good wife to him Insha'Allah. I believe that he is a good man and will be a good husband Insha'Allah. However, there is one problem. He is not financially secure. I really don't mind this since I feel that money is not important. I do have a job however, and at this time I make more money than him.

My parents advised me to wait until he saves enough money before I get married to him. I agree and am more than happy to wait for this man. Recently, however, we had a discussion about marriage life. In the discussion he told me that financially we should split everything in half and that everything that is mine or his should be shared equally with the other partner. For example, my car would be equally his. It seemed to be fair to me, but I decided to mention it to my parents. Immediately, they disagreed and became worried. Both my parents told me that he should provide for me and the question of my money should not even be an issue. My parents told me if I feel to help I could, but that he should be the one to at least pay the rent.

When I approached him with this philosophy, he agreed that he should be the one to provide, but he said that if I have a job I should pay half of everything and the only condition that he would pay at least even the rent is if I stayed home and not work. He stressed that if I had to work, it would make no sense for him to sacrifice just to pay the rent when he would not even get to see me.

I would appreciate anyone to share their advise. I am not a greedy person. I grew up as poor girl and I could care less about money. I just don't want anyone to take advantage of me or do the things that are haram.

Thanks in advance for your time

Wasalam,
Maha

[satisfaction26]

Assalamualaikum,
Dear sister, in this situation I have to say your fiance is wrong.It is a husband's responsibility to support his family, including his parents and sisters.From what is stated in the Quraan, "And give not unto the foolish your propety which Allah has made a means of support for you, but feed and clothe them therewith, and speak to them words of kindness and justice." (4:5)
A wife's responsibility is to obey Allah and her husband only.
"Men are the protecters and maintainers of women, because Allah has made them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means.Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient( to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allah orders them to guard(e.g their chastity, their husband's property, etc).As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them(first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them(lightly,if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means(of annoyance).Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great." (4:34)
Her money is hers and her husband has no right to tell her what to do with her money.It's up to her whether to share it with whoever she wants or not.Try to talk to him nicely without arguing.Make peace if you fear that he would take advantage on you.Allah s.w.t said, " And if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no sin on them if they make terms of peace between themselves;and making peace is better.And human inner-selves are swayed by greed.But if you do good and keep away from evil, verily, Allah is Ever Well-Acquainted with what you do." (4:128)
If it can't be settled down, call arbitrators from each family.
" If you fear a breach between them twain( the man and his wife), appoint (two) arbitrators, one from his family and the other from her's; if they both wish for peace, Allah is Ever All-Knower, Well-Acquainted with all things" (4:35)
I hope I was helping you a bit.I'm still not 'arif' in this but just giving whatever I know.If there's anyone with wider knowledge pls do post.Thank you.
Mardhiah Mansor

[Maha (Guest)]

Assalamu-alaikum,

Thank you for your reply. It was extremely helpful for me because I needed advice from someone other than my parents. My parents will always be on my side, so that is why it was beneficial for me to get a non-biased opinion.

Thanks in advance to all the brothers/sisters who may read this and give their opinion. Your advice could really help me to make the right decision in my life. I will try to always be peaceful with my husband-to-be (Insha'Allah) and not promote argument, because I believe if I place my life in Allah's (s.w.t) hands that He (Allah s.w.t.) will show me if this man is right for me or not.

Wasalam

[Lulua]

Assalaamu alaikum.

You are right, sister, in that money should not be a question, and that it should also not be a problem. However, do beware and reminded that money is often times the main cause in marital problems. According to Islam, it is the full duty and responsibility of the man to provide for his wife and family, regardless of her own financial situation. It is nice if a woman should be kind hearted enough to offer to help her husband out with the expenses of life, but it is not a necessity. And, anything that she should offer, during any time of their marriage, she should not make it a basis for her to attempt to control him, or to contain him within her own desires.

You are just beginning this relationship, and it is a dangerous ground that you offer him to pay for living expenses, and quite an opportunity for him to take an advantage of you. Perhaps you should make it clear to him, however kindly and sweetly, that you will be willing to help him out with living expenses, as you can afford it, but later on. Let him know, kindly yet firmly, that you expect him to provide for you as is expected in Islam, and that he should start off with the expenditures of the family and household. Remind him that you will share with him as need causes such sharing, but that he must be the main provider and begin that sharing himself, and not expect for you to share with him.

I have witnessed as well as heard of too many cases in which the woman, in her excessive kindness and sharing, has been taken advantage of by uncaring and unsharing husbands. And this has happened in families and couples who have been married for many years, and have many children between them. Imagine what could and most probably would happen in a relationship that is just beginning, a relationship that is beginning on a basis of his need for her to share her wealth with him.

Accordingly, the prophet(SAAW) was fortunate to have become married to a woman who was more financially stable than he himself was at the time(i.e., Khadijah), and she was quite generous with him, supporting him both financially, as well as emotionally and physically. However, not all persons are that pure of heart and intention (neither the men nor the women).

These warnings are not meant to make a drift between you and your fiancee, but more of a precautionary warning to you for yourself. Do not let him to overcome you in this matter, and do not let it come between you, either. Try to take a middle course of action here. Remind him about his own impression before your parents and your family...that if he insists on sharing and taking from your own wealth, what kind of impression is that to make of him in front of your own family, let alone your friends. Try to impress with him the need for him to do his best to support you. And remind him, that when he has made that true attempt in doing so, that you will not let him alone, that you will help him out, and share with him as need be, and that it will be a continuous true partnership of a marriage.

Lulua

[Nzingha]

as salaam alaikum
>
>However, there is
>one problem. He is
>not financially secure. I
>really don't mind this since
>I feel that money is
>not important. I do
>have a job however, and
>at this time I make
>more money than him.
>

If it is not important to you than why is it a problem? How a man is to provide for you is important, since it is a requirement upon him and not the woman. But if you choose to go into a marriage with the mindset that it is not important this will carry through the rest of your marriage. And at one time it may become important. The choice you make today will affect the rest of your marriage, add some kids, a house, car, grocery bill, clothing bill... and it does become important.


>In the discussion he told
>me that financially we should
>split everything in half and
>that everything that is mine
>or his should be shared
>equally with the other partner.


He can make this suggestion but if you agree to it is another story. If you don't feel that you want to split everything 50/50 financially it is better to voice that at this point.


> Both my parents
>told me that he should
>provide for me and the
>question of my money should
>not even be an issue.
> My parents told me
>if I feel to help
>I could, but that he
>should be the one to
>at least pay the rent.
>

You must also be realistic.. he is to provide only what his means allow. meaning.. if you afford better on your pay.. or from your family.. you can't expect him to provide the same level of comfort on a wage much lower. you would have to live on what his means allow which most likely would require you to give up alot. Is this what you want?

>
>When I approached him with this
>philosophy, he agreed that he
>should be the one to
>provide, but he said that
>if I have a job
>I should pay half of
>everything and the only condition
>that he would pay at
>least even the rent is
>if I stayed home and
>not work. >>

Your both being unrealistic.. for him to say that everything is 50/50 is leaving his responsibilites aside.. however for you to think you'll work make more money than him and he pays for it all is not the way to go either. There must be some common ground you can come to. For instance, he is to pay the rent, and you pay water and elect. he is to pay for food but you buy clothing, do those extra special dinners out or things that you would not be able to do on his budget alone. and allow your money to go into savings. This way when you have children (inshallah) than you can take time off from work w/out rushing to go back if need be.

If your not willing to compromise before marriage how will you after marriage?



- Never do I argue with a man with a desire to hear him say what is wrong, or to expose him and win victory over him. Whenever I face an opponent in debate I silently pray - O Lord, help him so that truth may flow from his heart and on his tongue, and so that if truth is on my side, he may follow me; and if truth be on his side, I may follow him.
al-Imam Al-Shafi'i