My Mother

[Dana]

Al-Salam Alaikom,

May Allah forgive us for any of our committed sins and may God forgive me for typing this message behind my mom's back.

What do I do if my mother is mis-treating everyone, including my dad, showing disrespect for him in many many obvious ways! There was a time, when I just lost my temper and shouted back at her in a rude manner .. I could not take the false accusations against my father. Then, I felt so bad that I cried, cried and cried two days in a row.

My mom is making our home a total hell, a misery and an impossible place to live in. My mom always, always, always shows dislike and jealously to everyone. I know how much our Islam encourages us to behave well towards our parents, but the problem is that my mom is over the limits of Islam. All of us are kind of abused and are suffering. This has been going on for almost/or more than 20 years now and she has not changed yet. She maybe socially disturbed, psychologically ill or even playacting, but does that mean we should encourage her?

My dad would never divorce my mom because he believes that all problems can be solved with Allah's support. Plus, my dad thinks that a divorce can lead to our further suffering. My dad's advice is to ignore her shouting ..
What shall I do? How can I control my temper, when I have been born in such a miserable and harsh atmosphere of continous arguments and noise, not from the behalf of my father, but my own mother?

Thank you.

[Om_Mohammed]

Assalaamu alaikum.

Sure, it is sad to hear of such a situation and that you must all live with such constant trouble.

It is quite obvious that your mother is disturbed for some reason or another.

If you (seeing that you are her daughter and perhaps she will not accept a confrontation from you as well as she would from another adult like herself) cannot confront her with the discomfort and pain this is causing all of you, then perhaps your father is better suited to do so. Or perhaps someone else...a family friend, neighbor, sisters or other relatives. Anyways...someone should frankly confront her about her behaviour to her family, and try to find out exactly what her problem is. Also, in this confrontation with her, it should be made perfectly clear to her that in her causing such disturbance and pain in the family, she is likely to eventually lose them.

Frankly, according the impression that you have made of her behaviour with all of you, I cannot understand how your father has put up with this all these years. A family is to be a source of pleasure and happiness for all concerned...the wife, the husband, and the children.

Perhaps, if she would realize the dire consequences and the true chance that perhaps she would have of losing all of you because of her continuation of this behaviour, she would make a drastic change in attitude. Also, some woman (many, in fact) take for granted the love and attention and attraction that they perceive that their husbands have for them. In doing so, they become slack in their care for the husband, as well as the rest of the family, taking for granted that he sees only her. It is only when he makes a move or actually does take another wife...that they realize the fatal marital mistake that they have done. Marriage and family life, although pleasant and for the most part rather easy...takes some work and effort and sacrifice from all to work. Perhaps, inshaAllah...if she was to be made aware that although she may not actually end up divorced, but the first of two wives...then with that threat made a reality to her...perhaps she would then change. Many woman need such a shock treatment to be brought back to reality, and realize their mistakes in the treatment that they show their husbands and family. Even if this kind of a threat may not actually be in your father's mind...perhaps it would work.

Also, a major reminder for the best of help...do not forget the power of dua. Always ask Allah in your prayers...first of all for guidance for yourself in this matter...whether or not you should yourself confront your mother on this matter. Also, ask Allah to soften her heart and make her more kind to your father and the family. And, in doing so, remind her of the virtues of patience, and the traits of a good muslim. Perhaps you, as her own daughter, will have more influence upon her and will be able to help change her more than anyone else.

InshaAllah, your mother will soften and become more caring to all of you. InshaAllah, next time we hear from you hear, we will be hearing the good news of the change in your mother.

Om Mohammed.

[Nzingha]

as salaam alaikum

have you tried family counceling? or your parents couple counceling? something has your mother angry and acting in such a manner. Your reaction to it i'm sure is not helping, so you need to control your ownself. If your mother is angry all the time there is something wrong. I would suggest you try to get help as a family, and your parents as a couple, as well as your mother as an individual. You should try talking to her and suggest counceling when she is in a calm mood.

nzingha