Rights of wives [Archive]

Om_Mohammed

25-07-2001, 17:50

Assalaamu alaikum.

I have located a related article to this subject. I hope that you shall find it helpful.

Om Mohammed.

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Mutual Rights and Obligations

[with comments from Albani's book ' The Ettiquettes of Marriages and Weddings']

From: Marriage in Islam by Muhammad Abdul-Rauf, Ph.D
Chapter 4

A HAPPY CONJUGAL HOUSEHOLD
Mutual Rights and Obligations including Sex Etiquette

In order to ensure an atmosphere of harmony and to promote a
cheerful and successful life in the newly established nest of the
newlyweds, Islam has provided guidance in defining the relationship
between husband and wife and in distributing the rights and
obligations arising from this relationship.

In Islam the husband is the head of the household. This is
not male chauvenism. It derives from the natural psychological and
physical makeup of the male. Man does not suffer from a regular
monthly indisposition with its attendant adverse psychological
effects. He does not have to be confined by pregnancy or for
delivery; nor can he feed children from his breasts. He is therefore
always ready to go out and search for sustenance for himself and his
dependents. In fact it was Islam which delivered woman from her
plight. It established her equality with man both theoretically and
practically. It restored her dignity and recovered her freedom. The
Koran stresses her right to benefit from the fruits of her efforts as
much as man is entitled to benefit from his (IV, 7). It severely
condemned the old customs of ill-treating women (XVI, 58/59,and LXXXI
8/9), and protected their rights in one of the longest chapters, IV,
which is given the title "Women." We have already noticed that in the
process of the marriage contract, the bride initiates the offer of
marriage, a significant detail which emphasizes her spontaneous free
action in making this most important decision.

Let us now set out to consider the obligations imposed by Islam
upon the husband toward his wife , and then proceed to discuss those of the
wife toward her husband.

THE HUSBAND'S DUTIES

1. A husband is responsible for the protection, happiness and
maintenance of his wife. He is responsible for the cost of her food,
clothes and accommodation. Although she may have to cook, he has to
buy her the raw materials and cooking and kitchen facilities, as may
be required and applicable. He may also have to buy her two sets of
clothes or more each year, providing the types of clothing suitable
for the seasons. However, the number of sets of clothes and their
quality depend on the husbands means and social requirements. A wife
is also entitled to a comfortable, independent accomodation, suitably
furnished and provided with basiic sanitation facilities. She is not
obliged to stay with the husband's parents or relatives as he is not
obliged to live with hers. She is also entitled to enjoy herslef with
her husband in a relaxed atmophere, free from the embarrassment caused
by the presence of another adult in the household The cost of smoking
or of a forbidden fruit or drink is not to be provided by the husband.

2. In addition to providing these material needs, a husband
has to be kind, understanding and forgiving, and must treat his wife
in a tender and loving manner. He not only should avoid hurting her
but should bear with her if she ever does something disagreeable, so
long as this clemency does not spoil her and she does not habitually
behave out of bounds. The Koran reads:

...and treat them [women] kindly. [IV,19}

And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:

[Fear] God, [fear] God in the matter of women.
They are weak partners, a trust from God with you;
and they are made by the divine word permissible for you.

He also says:

Whoever of you whose wife behaves in a disagreeable manner and he
responds by kindness and patience, God will give him rewards as much
as Job will be given for his patience.

Patient behavior was the practice of the Prophet, even when his wife
dared to address him harshly. Once his mother-in-law- saw her daugher
strike him with her fist on his noble chest. When the enraged mother
-in-law began to reproach her daugher, the Prophet smilingly said,
"Leave her alone; they do worse than that." And once Abu Bakr, his
father-in-law, was invited to settle some misunderstanding between him
and Aishah. The Prophet said to her, "Will you speak, or shall I
speak?" Aisha said, "You speak, but do not say except the truth."
Abu Bakr was so outraged that he immediately struck her severely,
forcing her to run and seek protection behind the back of the Prophet.
Abu Bakr said, "O you the enemy of herself! Does the Messenger of God
say but the truth?" The Propeht said, "O Abu Bakr, we did not invite
you for this [harsh dealing with Aishah], nor did we anticipate it."

3. It is further recommended that a husband be relaxed with
his wife, and cheer her up with his humor or by making agreeable jokes.
The Prophet, peace and belessings be upon him, in spite of his lofty
status, used to play with his wife. He ran in competition with
Aishah. Sometimes she won, and other times he won. And once,
hearing an Abyssinian entertainment team playing outside the home, the
Prophet said to Aisha, "Would you like to see them?" When she agreed,
he sent for them and they came and performed in front of his door.
The Prophet stretched his hand, putting his palm on the open door and
letting Aisha's chin rest on his arm so that she culd see
comfortably. A while later the Propeht asked Aishah, "Enough?" She
said, "Silence!" Another while later he asked, "Enough?" and the
answer was again, "Silence!" But when he asked her for the third time,
"Enough? she agreed, "Yes," and the team went away on a gesture from
the Prophet. He then said, "The most perfect belief is that of those
who are best-mannered and most tender with their wives. " The Propeht
also used to say, "Surely God does not love a rough person who is
boastful, and rude to his wife." A Bedouin widow once described her
husband: "He came always with a smile and left with a greeting. When
he was hungry he ate whatever was found, and did not bother when
something was missing!"

4. It is of supreme importance that the husband endeavor to
handle the matter of sex relations with skill, care and understanding.
He should not regard his wife as an object for his own enjoyment alone
but as a partner with whom he should always seek mutual bliss,
satisfaction and fulfillment. He should always approach her with love
and tenderness. In the early stages of marriage, especially in their
first expereince on the wedding day, he has to be particulary gentle.
The husband should always have due regard for his wife's feelings and
should endeavor to let her reach the degree of full satisfaction in
this respect. Because of the importance of this element, early Muslim
authorities discussed such details as love play, the techniques that
arouse excitement, and the question of orgasm. The right Islamic
literature treating this subject far exceeds and is more original and
stimulatiing than- but not so obscene as-the crude and vulgar
material now in wide circulation in the West. We may discuss here
some of the remarks made by these early authorities. They stress the
importance of premliminary love play-caresses, fondling, kissing,
endearing words- in order to arouse the wife's sexual passion and
prepare for a deeper sensation and a successful conclusion. At the
beginning of actual coitus, it is recommended that the following
prayer be said:

In the name of Almighty God, the Most High,
Please,God, ward off the evil forces away
from us and from the blessings You bestow upon us.
[In arabic: bismillahi, allahumma jannibnaa ash-shaytan
,wa jannib asshaytan maa razaqtana (al-bukharee)]
[Also it is desirable that the wife and husband pray two rakat nawafil
together on their wedding night before approaching each other. This is based
upon some ahadith, one of them being in which the Prophet advised a man
named Abu Hareez: Verily, closeness is from Allah, and hatred is from
Shaytan, who wishes to make despicable what Allah has allowed. So when
you wife comes to you, tell her to pray behind you two rakat" (Sahih from
Abi Shaibah, at-Tabaraani and AbdurRazaq]

5. A husband should also see to it that his wife has sufficient
knowledge of her religious obligations and encourage her in observing
her devotional duties. Of special importance are the rules pertaining
to the menstrual period. During this period, as well as during the period
of postnatal dischange, the oblgation of mandatory prayer is lifted; and
coitus is forbidden. The prohibition of coitus is lifted when the blood
discharge has stopped and the woman has had the ablution of a full bath.
6. A husband should not harbor doubts or suspicion about his wife unduly.
Jealousy is indeed a natural element; and a husband is not to be too
indulgent or to remain indifferent in reasonably provocative situations,
and surely must guard his wife against all corruptive influences. Yet he
should not allow fanciful thoughts to engage his mind and should not
behave in a spying manner toward his wife. The Prophet, peace and
blessings be upon him, said: There is a type of jealousy which God
loves and there is another type which God hates. As for that which
God loves, it is the jealousy which is provoked by a legitimate
cause of suspicion; and that which God hates is the jealousy
which is unduly aroused. The Prophet once asked Fatimah, his own daugher,
"What is best for a woman?" She replied, "That she should not mix with
men and men should not mix with her." The Prophet, who was pleased with
her answer, hugged her and said, "An offspring resembling its roots."
Thus a happy life depends on mutual trust between the partners; and all
that has to be done is to keep away from situations that are likely to
incite evil or arouse suspicion. [...]
8. If the wife becomes pregnant
, her husband should display greater consideration for her and should
do all he can to alleviate her discomfort. When she is delivered,
he should be grateful to God for her safety and for what God has
beneficently graced them with. If his wife has been delivered
of a male child, he should not go out of his way to show his pleasure;
and if it is a female, he should not at all feel disheartened. After
all, he does not know which is better for him. The Prophet, peace a
nd blessings be upon him, says: Whoever is graced with a daughter
and treats her well and lavished upon her some of the favors God
has bestowed upon him, she will be a protection for him against
the punishment of the Hell Fire. Whoever brings home some good
things to his children, it will be counted as a divine charity
for him. Let him begin by giving the female ones. Whoever cheers
up a female child shall have the merit of him who weeps out of
divine fear of God; and whoever so intensely fears God, God will
protect him from the Hell Fire. Whoever has two daughers or two
sisters under his care and treats them well, he will be my
companion in Paradise. A child, however, should be given a
good name, evein if it is delivered in a miscarriage. And
shortly after a child's safe birth, the full text of the c
all to prayer should be recited in its right ear, and the short
one in its left ear. It is recommended that a boy be circumcised
on the seventh day of his birth, excluding the day of birth itself.
Whether it is a boy or a girl, it is recommended that the family
then hold a feast for which a lamb or larger animal should be
sacrificed. Some of the meat should be distributed to the poor,
as well as the value of gold whose weight is the weight of the
baby's hair. The sacrifice offered on the seventh day of birth is
known as 'aqiqah. [It is important to point out that it is forbidden
for either the husband or the wife to spread any of the secrets of
their bedroom to anyone outside. As the Prophet said:"Verily among
the worst people before Allah on the day of Qiyama is a man who approaches
his wife sexually and she responds and then he spreads her secrets".
All comments are eventually understood from Albani's book. The book is
almost a must-have for those who cant understand Arabic.]

THE WIFE'S DUTIES

1. The first task of the wife is to create a home a soft relaxing
atmosphere in which she and her husband can live together smoothly, happily
and enjoyably. The way in which this is to be acheived depends on her taste
and their means and upon prevaling values and conditions.

2. A wife must be faithful and devoted to her husband. Her loyalty is
due to him first, even before her kin. She should avoid associating with
undesirable or suspicous elements and should not entertain alone any male
friends.

3. The management of the household is the wife's primary
responsibility. She has to take care of meal preparation,
house-cleaning and laundry. Whether she undertakes these tasks
herself or has them done under her careful supervision, it is her task
to manage them in the best interests of the family. She may expect
some cooperation from her husband, but this should depend on what he
can afford to do. What is important is the mutual goodwill and love
which will no doubt stimulate each party to alleviate the burden of
the other as much as possible.

4. The wife should not be too demanding; she must be contented,
and appreciative of any kind gesture her husband may extend to her. She
should not insist on buying expensive clothes or luxurious peices of furniture
beyond her husband's means.

5. The wife should take care of herself in order to appear always
cheerful, charming and attractive to her husband. She should always smell
good and may reasonably apply cosmetics but should avoid excessive use of it.
Such excess is not only financially unwise but also psychologically harmful.
It makes her beauty appear to be merely artificial. An ancient Arab women
advised her daugher on her wedding day:

O my daugher! you are
leaving the home in which you were brought up to a house
unknown to you and to a companion unfamilar to you. Be a
floor to him, he will be a roof to you; be a soft seat to
him, he will be a pillar for you; and be like a slave girl
to him, he will be like a slave boy to you. Avoid
inopportune behavior, lest he should be bored with you; and
be not aloof lest he should become indifferent to you. If
he approaches you, come running to him; and if he turns away,
do not impose yourself upon him. Take care of his nose,
his eye and his ear. Let him not smell except a good odor
from you; let his eye not see you except in an agreeable
appearance; and let him hear nothing from you except
nice, fine words.

6. In managing the household, the wife should economize and avoid
extravagance. She is not to give of her husband's wealth except
within the degreee he approves of. Whatever she gives within this
degree, she will share in its divine reward; and what she gives away
beyond it will be to the advantage of her husband and to her
own disadvantage on the Day of Judgment.

[...]

An objective analysis of the above outline of the mutual rights and
obligations of a husband and wife as set out and stipulated by Islam
for the guidance of its adherents reveals the following facts:

1. The husband-wife relationship is to be based not on dry legal
rules or decisions of the court but on mutal respect, love and regard.

2. The husband is alone responsible for the entire cost of, and the
wife is the misstress of, the household. The objective of each is to
serve the other and to provide to the other means of comfort,
enjoyment and happiness; and the aim of both is to acheive optimum
bliss for themselves and to contribute through their offspring to the
perpetuation of the human race.

3. A woman is not a chattel or a blind follower but an equal partner.
However, her soft nature, her beautiful natural role as the partner who
is to provide more for the sexual attraction and excitement, her monthly
menstrual discharge with its attending psychological and physical adverse
effects, her childbearing and child-rearing--all these natural considerations,
not a male dictatorship as has recently been contended, have made her the
dependent but respected, virtuous and beloved partner.

4. Within the framework of the above basic considerations,
and within the Islamic flexibility which has regard for custom and prevaling
traditions, consistent with the moral values of Islam, the couple may choose
any type of arrangement for the distribution of their mutual
responsiblities in order to meet their needs as they may see fit in
the conditions prevailing where they live.

5. An interesting point which emphasizes that the wife does
not lose her own independent character on gettting marries is that she always
retains her full maiden name. So Miss Nancy Jones on her marriage to
Mr. Martin James is called Lady Nancy Jones and not Mrs. James. She
may be called Lady Nancy Jones, wife of Mr. James, but not simply Mrs.
James. This point is significant, as it expresses both a wife's
greater freedom under Islam and her continued relation with her own
family.