Lulua
21-04-2002, 19:29
Assalaamu alaikum ya muslimeen.
Greetings and good day to all.
Netcurtains has requested since a long time for my story of what impressed me to become a muslim. It has taken me some time to compose it, and I hope and pray that it shall prove to be even of the slightest inspiration either to him, or to others viewing, to better understand not only my own reasons for accepting Islam, but perhaps some insight into the special truthfulness and purity of Islam as a message.
Br. Asif has also requested the same of me once, impressing upon me that people need to know the reasons that has led others to Islam.
I did not honor that request, mainly because I hate attracting attention to myself in particular. And it is far from my intention to do so. I only present my story here in the hopes and prayers that others shall be impressed to see the truth of Islam, as I myself have come to understand it.
I try to get that across in my debates and discussions, but sometimes the anger shows through, or impatience for the misunderstandings of others. This is a great human fault of mine that I am slowly learning and attempting to overcome.
wa-salaam.
Lulua.
====================
BismAllah Alrahman Alrahim
I was raised a Christian, by parents who followed and were members of the Methodist Church, a branch of the Protestant preference within Christianity. Although my parents insisted that we younger children (my sister and myself) attended Church services and Church gatherings and activities regularly, and my parents themselves would attend the regular Church services as well as some of the extra activities from time to time, still they were moderate in their basic belief and the eminating of their belief. They were good people, but not outwardly religious people. They believed in the existence of God, but their lives did not revolve around that belief. Rather, their lives revolved around our daily lives and activities. A typically western and American way of life. The religious periods of our lives existed for and during those times of Church attendance.
I can remember as a young girl asking questions in Sunday School and in Bible Study groups and such, questions which the answers given did not satisfy me, but efficiently kept me quiet for a time for the comfort of all concerned-my elders and myself. But my quiet was not a satisfaction from receiving explicable answers, but a silence of receding into acceptance of what was said merely for the fact of it being said, and my ignorance of the world in that I did not realize that there existed anything beyond Christianity.
I realized that there were other religions, of course, but none seemed logically acceptable to investigate for real, even though my knowledge of those religions was admittedly limited. Bhuddism and Hinduism and some of the other ‘strange’ eastern religions seemed obviously unacceptable because of their own outright admittance to idolatry-worshipping many gods, or a ‘created’ god. Judaism was more well known to be closely related to Christianity and similar, in that the basic belief is belief in one God, yet it seemed completely out of the question because of it’s unacceptance of Jesus, something which I could not fathom. To enter into Judaism seemed like a step backwards, rather than a step forwards.
As a young girl, I began to ask questions of my elders in the Church, questions which no one could or would satisfactorily answer for me. When I noticed how in so many pictures depicting Mary or Jesus or the Apostles or other notary subjects of Christianity, the women dressed so modestly and even covering their heads, and asked admiringly of it, why do we not also follow suit, if we are followers of this Jesus? The answers that I got were replies like: ‘That was then, and this is now. Times have changed and fashions have changed’ or, laughing: ‘We are more modern and developed now. No need to wear that kind of coverings.’ These answers did not make sense to me, but I could sense and even see the surprise and even sometimes anger at my bringing up or noticing such things.
As I grew older and entered into my teen years, I began to ask more serious and deep questions, questions which would have no answer other than the truth, and questions which no one who intended to remain tied to the church could answer. My questions began to delve into the very heart of modern day Christianity, the question of the trinity. I would ask things like: ‘If God is one, then how can there be a trinity?’ and: ‘If God is truly one, then how is it that we can worship Jesus?’ and many other such questions. The answers were always rather round-about, and non-explanatory, and demanding that this is the way that it is, and that I must accept, and I will not be saved unless and until I accept blindly, without logical explanation. So, out of fear of being lost, I accepted, but it was an acceptance without true belief or conviction. I did not realize that there even existed anything beyond Christianity, and so I devoted myself to this religion, even though I felt that there was much in question and truly much wrong with it. And although I was not satisfied with it completely, still I did not devote myself to a search for anything else, because mainly my knowledge of the world and what was in it was very limited, and I thought that what little I knew of world religions was all that there was to be known. I just assumed that I was missing some important link of this Christianity, and that someday it would eventually come to me.
In my first year in college, I by chance met a young man on campus, who introduced himself to me, stating where he was from (which I later learned was some mysterious country in the middle east), and even telling me on that first meeting of his religious affiliation. His exact words were: ‘I am a Muslim.’ I said: ‘What is that? What country is that?’ (this is the extent of my ignorance of even the existence of Islam as a religion). He laughed at that response, and proceeded to explain that ‘Muslim’ is a word which designates someone who follows and practices the religion of Islam. Then I asked what is Islam? He proceeded to explain to me the basic tenets of Islam, stressing on the point of ‘tawheed’, i.e. the belief and eminating of that belief into practice of One God. Then I told him that as Christians, we too believed in one God. But he said that it is different. That the Christians also worshipped Jesus along with God, and so they were in fact idol-worshippers, or polytheists. At this comment, I became insulted and even a bit angry. I tried to explain, but he insisted on his stance that Christians today were in fact polytheists. He apparently sensed that this was going a bit in the wrong direction, and so he dropped it for now, and we merely became friends and sometimes studied together on campus.
He later introduced me to a friend of his, from the same country, who was married, and had his wife, also from the same country, with him. They were also very nice, and interested in helping me to better understand Islam. This couple were dedicated to insuring that I had correct information on Islam. Whether they themselves would sit and talk with me, explaining what they could of Islam, or providing for me books, booklets, and even a copy of the Quran translated into English. The extent of the books that they provided for me explained only the basic tenets of Islam, i.e. the ‘pillars’. But the Quran had much more, of course. The couple would frequently invite me to their apartment for a meal or for tea and sweets, or for an outing to the beach or countryside, etc., in order that they get to know me better, and by this method I would witness Islam in practice as well. I saw them during their times of fasting and breaking the fast in Ramadhan, and I witnessed their prayers. I can recall one time in particular when I was present for their prayer, and I had been sitting on the couch before their prayer commenced. By this time I realized that they would face a certain way (although I did not understand yet why). This time, it so happened that their prayer was to face in the direction of the couch upon which I was sitting. I felt self-conscious, that they were praying in a directing seeming to me as if it was directed towards me, and began to move to get out of the way. They all signaled to me to sit just where I was. So I obeyed, and sat still during the endurance of their prayer, patiently, yet quite self-conscious, and uncomfortable, that I was in the direction of their prayer, sitting in front of them, able to view their faces during the prayer. I noticed that they did not actually look at me, so their prayer was obviously not directed at me, yet I was quite uncomfortable that their prayer should be directed in a way that I was in the path of it. I could not understand this odd feeling, yet it was strong and quite uncomfortable.
It took me a period of approximately a year and a little more before I was convinced of Islam. I read all the books provided for me, which actually only told me of the aspects of the requirements of the Muslim. From time to time, the couple, in particular the woman, would press me, trying to insist or pressure me into becoming a Muslim. It was those pressures from her which would push me back a little further, when perhaps I would have become a Muslim at an earlier stage. I was rather rebellious, and although there was much about Christianity that I did not like and did not understand, still I did not like being pressured. Islam was strange to me, although everything that I learned made sense. Still it was strange and different, and that made it frightening. I did not know of any Muslims other than my friends which I had made at college, as well as the many other foreign students which I knew attended the college. I did not know of an American Muslim community, nor did I realize that Islam would and already was growing as it was in America. So the aspect of Islam seemed frightening to me, because I knew that these friends who had introduced me to Islam would soon be leaving for their home countries when their education was finished. And if I were to become a Muslim, then who would be companion and mentor for me in this new religion, if those who introduced me to it would leave? This was all playing on my mind frequently.
As I continued to read the Quran, it became to be more clear and made more sense, even though it was quite different in presentation than the Bible which I was more familiar with. Before reading it, I assumed that it would be similar to the Bible in text and presentation, and therefore as I began to read, it was confusing to me when it seemed non-consistent. A passage would mention one subject matter, and then there would be a passage of some remembrance of God, and then into another passage of another subject matter, followed again by a passage of remembrance of God. And so on and so on. But then I began to realize that such passages of remembrance of God were comparatively little in the Bible, and that this first-seemingly inconsistency was in fact a way of constantly reminding the reader of the true omnipotence of God, of God’s unending mercy and forgiveness, and of the need in us for that mercy and forgiveness. Such seeming inconsistency began to make sense and seem right.
There were still points of Islam which were either confusing to me, or even unacceptable. Points in particular like: polygamy, to name only one. And even the point of the covering for the woman. Although I had admired it as a young girl, it was still something new, and something which I was not accustomed to. Then I became angry and even rebellious that I had been introduced to this Islam. I began to wish that I had never come to know of it. I began to feel a burden on myself, pulling me in two opposite directions. I knew that if I was to accept Islam and become a Muslim, that my family would never be supportive of me in such a decision. This was apparent to me from their response when I told them of my friends that I had met at college, and that they were Muslims, and that I was learning of Islam. I was not yet inclined to become a Muslim, yet I felt that I was being pulled in that direction. And my parent’s reaction when I told them of my friends, was a facial expression which showed it all. They were not surprised or ignorant of Islam itself. It was obvious that they not only knew that it existed, but they also knew what it was and what it entailed. Then why had they kept that knowledge from me all these years? They were angry and upset that I had not only met but made friends with Muslims, and was spending much of my time with them, learning of their religions and their lifestyles. In fact, they went so far as to order me to never see these people again, nor to accept any gifts from them (especially literature). I quietly agreed, to please them and reassure them that I was still their little girl and in their grips, but in my heart, I made a stronger conviction to see these people more often, and learn as much as I could of this religion which my own parents were so adamantly against. It was their anger and fear at this religion which enticed me to learn more.
I continued to read of the Quran, and there was one verse in particular which made a strong emphasis and impression upon my soul. As I continued to read through the Quran, and on various topics, this verse kept on playing on my mind, and bothering me to an extent that I needed to seek some guidance. The verse in question:
‘And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers.’ S. 3, v. 85.
It bothered me, because, if it is true, then it meant that since I had come to know of this verse, then my adherence to Christianity was now invalid. I could no longer with any true sense of conscious continue in Christianity. I attended the Church and even Bible study sessions, yet it all seemed so wrong now, and even false. Even the minister and other elders of the church, in particular those in charge of the Bible study group, noticed my change of mind of blind acceptance to the explanation of Christianity, and in particular of the trinity. I returned to asking the disturbing questions of the basic tenet of Christianity, the trinity, and was angrily not satisfied with their explanations and declarations of the necessity for blind faith. I was no longer accepting of this, and it was showing in my angry questions and comments to their answers. I became unsatisfied with the Church, it’s members, and their attempts at answers, and I increasingly ceased even going. There was no longer any point in it. I began to seek guidance on my own, even angered and turned off at this point from Islam by the attempts of my friends who lovingly, yet wrongly at that time, tried to push me into becoming a Muslim. Their intents were perhaps good, yet their pressures they made on me at times to become a Muslim only served to push me further from Islam. I continued to read the Quran, but there were still many questions in my mind on Islam, which the Quran did not seem to answer for me at the time. It was that one verse which continued to impress upon me the importance of Islam, in particular since I had come to know of it.
I became angered even that I had learned of Islam. It seemed that I was going in a direction in which I needed to accept it, yet I was frightened. All was new, and I did not yet understand it all, nor did I truly like all that Islam offered and demanded of it’s adherents. Yet I was frightened that I should be left in abyss if I should reject it, because of the point that this particular verse got across.
Finally, I decided to hurl myself into prayer. I tried to wash as I had seen the Muslims wash, but realized that I did not really know exactly how or in what method or order. I ended up taking a complete shower. Then I commenced to face in a direction which I felt at the time was right. I firstly made sure that my bedroom door was locked, so that no one would enter and bother me in my time of devotion and seeking. I began by standing, contemplating on the supremacy of God, and my smallness and total need for Him, and also contemplating on the wonders of the world. Then I proceeded to bow for a time, also contemplating on the supremacy of God, and then returned to stand. Then I got down on the floor on my hands and knees, all the time copying the format to an extent of what I had seen of the Muslims’ prayers, and then prostrated my forehead on the floor, again contemplating on the supremacy of God, and the wonders of His creation, and asking God sincerely for forgiveness and guidance. Then I stood again, and proceeded on in the same format. I continued this alternating of positions for some time, as much as seemed right, and then my final position was a prostration on the floor, and then I remained in this position sitting on the floor, pleading to God, crying by now, even shaking from the crying, for some sign for some guidance of which way to go: i.e. to become a Muslim or to reject Islam.
I did not sleep all that night, only stayed awake contemplating and looking for a sign. Then next day I called my Muslim friends and told them that I needed to see them. When I met them, the woman asked me why was I not yet becoming a Muslim. She insisted with me that I knew enough of Islam by now, and that was when I told them that I felt that I would become a Muslim. But I also confided in them my fear that I would not be able to live and learn as a Muslim in my parent’s home. If I was to become a Muslim, I needed help. It was then that the man who had first introduced me to Islam suggested to me that we get married. It was not a surprise, yet it seemed rather questionable. Most generally American lifestyles today do not promote such an early marriage. I had only recently graduated from high school, and truly I did not yet know this man very well, particularly according to western and non-Muslim standards of dating and knowing another person. We agreed to marry, on the condition that I become a Muslim first, and then proceed to continue with the marriage. And so we did. My marriage to this man facilitated and helped me in my beginning as a Muslim, and facilitated my growth through the years as a Muslim.
On a later trip back to visit my parents, and after having experienced Islam, and learned the prayers more correctly now, and knowing of the direction of the prayer and the reason for it, I noticed that the direction that I inadvertently directed myself that night alone in my parents home was in fact the correct direction of the Muslim prayer, i.e. towards the designated direction of the Kaaba in Makkah.
When I later expressed to my parents my decision of entering into Islam, they rejected it with the fiercest of ferocity which was foreign to me to witness in my parents. The passive compliant parents that I had known for all my life had suddenly transformed into monsters of anger and hatred and even rejection. My loving parents had suddenly changed into hate-mongers who rejected even their own daughter. They threatened me with severing ties, claiming that if I shall proceed in this measure, that I could consider myself not their daughter any more. When they came to realize my conviction to Islam, my choice of accepting Allah’s message of Islam over them, they became angered to the point of declaring that which they had threatened, i.e. severed their ties with me, declared me no longer their daughter, and even told me to forget any possibility of inheritance from them. By this time, although it was a heartbreak to have them cut me off as their daughter, any inheritance from them was the furthest thing from my mind. Although I had no guarantee of job or income, I did not care about such an insignificant thing compared to eternal salvation. And who is to guarantee that perhaps I shall not die before them, and in turn never inherit them? I turned to Allah, seeking guidance and consolance in prayer, and truly felt safe and secure with the promise of Allah’s help. I meekly accepted their threats and declarations, without argument, let them take their course of anger and rejection. And I abided by their insistence that I not attempt to contact them. I would from time to time speak to one of my sisters or my brother, inquiring on the health and well-being of our parents, but they had insisted that I not contact them any more, and so I abided by their wishes. After a period of several months went by, perhaps six, my parents contacted me, with the wish to see me. I agreed with such a meeting, and they traveled to visit me in my own home with my husband, and they emotionally regretted their previous rejection of me as their daughter. It was needless to say that it was an emotional time for all concerned. But my patience and perseverance served well. For they came to realize that this was a true conviction of my heart, my entrance into Islam, and not merely a passing phase that could be affected by their anger or orders or pleadings. I was an adult now, and by all reasons of knowledge and understanding, I was capable of making my own decisions. And when they witnessed for themselves my own conviction to this religion, and my happiness in that decision, they accepted the fact for what it was: I was no longer a Christian, but a Muslim now. And no worldly threats could convince me otherwise.
I thank Allah everyday for having led me and guided me to Islam, and blessed me with the life of the Muslimah that I am. I only ask Allah that He continues to guide me daily, and enhances me with knowledge and wisdom to grow in Islam. My only regrets are that it took me so long to finally become a Muslim. As a young girl, I was searching, yet was discouraged from that search by the very lifestyle and habits of the religion of Christianity. I am ever grateful that the message of Islam was finally presented to me. I have also often regretted the beginning years of my entrance into Islam were taken up and busied by learning only the basics of Islam, and then keeping busy with married life and the beginning of a family, as well as keeping busy with learning a new language and way of life, after moving with my husband to his home country. I was caught up with the daily activities of daily life, and had little time nor energy for the books. I have never felt that it was wasted, for everything has a meaning in life. But it has only been the recent past in which my children have grown to a point of not needing that constant care and attention that they needed in their beginning years, that I have been able to devote to learning more of my own religion. It is an experience of delight with which I devote myself to acquiring knowledge for the sake of Allah, for the sake of helping Islam and spreading the word of Islam. Alhamdulillah, I have been a practicing Muslimah now for 24 years, and I pray that Allah shall guide me to continue in this path and increase until my last breath. And I still have so much more to learn. I hope now to help others as I was once helped.
Learning Islam, living Islam, and being a muslim, has given me a different aspect on life and religion. Coming from a Christian background, there is little that I do not know about Christianity. I have ‘experienced’ Christ, as the Christians like to say, and I have experienced Islam as well. I have experienced a truly special relationship with God in both religions. I am fortunate. Others are not. Many muslims have not experienced another religion and another life, and so they cannot understand Christianity to such an extent, nor do they have the patience with Christians when they preach their religion. They reject the preaching of the Christians not only with the knowledge of Islam, but as well with a measure of fear and unrest because of their ignorance of Christianity. I reject Christianity with a simple rejection of knowledge and faith and understanding. It is because of my past in Christianity, that I have more conviction and faith in the truth of Islam. And it is this truth and faith that I hope and pray to relate to others.
I realize that my knowledge in Islam is limited, and that I still have much to learn. But that is the joy and pleasure and intrigue of Islam, that it is a learning process till the time of our death. It is a religion based on logic, understanding, knowledge, comparison, and truth. Not blind faith as is in Christianity. Such as a love of fatuation to wither and die eventually, so the emotional roller-coaster of Christianity is bound to drop some time or another. The logic and truth of Islam is eternally appealing, and is the bond which not only attracts people to Islam, but as well bonds them to the belief and practice of the religion in all walks of life. Islam is truly a way of life, and not only a religion to be observed on particular days or during a worship service. It is a way of life, dictating acceptable behavior for all possible situations. It is truly the way to salvation.
For surely, no one is deserving of the title ‘Lord’ other than God. May we forever praise Him, and may He forgive us our sins and have mercy upon us.
Greetings and good day to all.
Netcurtains has requested since a long time for my story of what impressed me to become a muslim. It has taken me some time to compose it, and I hope and pray that it shall prove to be even of the slightest inspiration either to him, or to others viewing, to better understand not only my own reasons for accepting Islam, but perhaps some insight into the special truthfulness and purity of Islam as a message.
Br. Asif has also requested the same of me once, impressing upon me that people need to know the reasons that has led others to Islam.
I did not honor that request, mainly because I hate attracting attention to myself in particular. And it is far from my intention to do so. I only present my story here in the hopes and prayers that others shall be impressed to see the truth of Islam, as I myself have come to understand it.
I try to get that across in my debates and discussions, but sometimes the anger shows through, or impatience for the misunderstandings of others. This is a great human fault of mine that I am slowly learning and attempting to overcome.
wa-salaam.
Lulua.
====================
BismAllah Alrahman Alrahim
I was raised a Christian, by parents who followed and were members of the Methodist Church, a branch of the Protestant preference within Christianity. Although my parents insisted that we younger children (my sister and myself) attended Church services and Church gatherings and activities regularly, and my parents themselves would attend the regular Church services as well as some of the extra activities from time to time, still they were moderate in their basic belief and the eminating of their belief. They were good people, but not outwardly religious people. They believed in the existence of God, but their lives did not revolve around that belief. Rather, their lives revolved around our daily lives and activities. A typically western and American way of life. The religious periods of our lives existed for and during those times of Church attendance.
I can remember as a young girl asking questions in Sunday School and in Bible Study groups and such, questions which the answers given did not satisfy me, but efficiently kept me quiet for a time for the comfort of all concerned-my elders and myself. But my quiet was not a satisfaction from receiving explicable answers, but a silence of receding into acceptance of what was said merely for the fact of it being said, and my ignorance of the world in that I did not realize that there existed anything beyond Christianity.
I realized that there were other religions, of course, but none seemed logically acceptable to investigate for real, even though my knowledge of those religions was admittedly limited. Bhuddism and Hinduism and some of the other ‘strange’ eastern religions seemed obviously unacceptable because of their own outright admittance to idolatry-worshipping many gods, or a ‘created’ god. Judaism was more well known to be closely related to Christianity and similar, in that the basic belief is belief in one God, yet it seemed completely out of the question because of it’s unacceptance of Jesus, something which I could not fathom. To enter into Judaism seemed like a step backwards, rather than a step forwards.
As a young girl, I began to ask questions of my elders in the Church, questions which no one could or would satisfactorily answer for me. When I noticed how in so many pictures depicting Mary or Jesus or the Apostles or other notary subjects of Christianity, the women dressed so modestly and even covering their heads, and asked admiringly of it, why do we not also follow suit, if we are followers of this Jesus? The answers that I got were replies like: ‘That was then, and this is now. Times have changed and fashions have changed’ or, laughing: ‘We are more modern and developed now. No need to wear that kind of coverings.’ These answers did not make sense to me, but I could sense and even see the surprise and even sometimes anger at my bringing up or noticing such things.
As I grew older and entered into my teen years, I began to ask more serious and deep questions, questions which would have no answer other than the truth, and questions which no one who intended to remain tied to the church could answer. My questions began to delve into the very heart of modern day Christianity, the question of the trinity. I would ask things like: ‘If God is one, then how can there be a trinity?’ and: ‘If God is truly one, then how is it that we can worship Jesus?’ and many other such questions. The answers were always rather round-about, and non-explanatory, and demanding that this is the way that it is, and that I must accept, and I will not be saved unless and until I accept blindly, without logical explanation. So, out of fear of being lost, I accepted, but it was an acceptance without true belief or conviction. I did not realize that there even existed anything beyond Christianity, and so I devoted myself to this religion, even though I felt that there was much in question and truly much wrong with it. And although I was not satisfied with it completely, still I did not devote myself to a search for anything else, because mainly my knowledge of the world and what was in it was very limited, and I thought that what little I knew of world religions was all that there was to be known. I just assumed that I was missing some important link of this Christianity, and that someday it would eventually come to me.
In my first year in college, I by chance met a young man on campus, who introduced himself to me, stating where he was from (which I later learned was some mysterious country in the middle east), and even telling me on that first meeting of his religious affiliation. His exact words were: ‘I am a Muslim.’ I said: ‘What is that? What country is that?’ (this is the extent of my ignorance of even the existence of Islam as a religion). He laughed at that response, and proceeded to explain that ‘Muslim’ is a word which designates someone who follows and practices the religion of Islam. Then I asked what is Islam? He proceeded to explain to me the basic tenets of Islam, stressing on the point of ‘tawheed’, i.e. the belief and eminating of that belief into practice of One God. Then I told him that as Christians, we too believed in one God. But he said that it is different. That the Christians also worshipped Jesus along with God, and so they were in fact idol-worshippers, or polytheists. At this comment, I became insulted and even a bit angry. I tried to explain, but he insisted on his stance that Christians today were in fact polytheists. He apparently sensed that this was going a bit in the wrong direction, and so he dropped it for now, and we merely became friends and sometimes studied together on campus.
He later introduced me to a friend of his, from the same country, who was married, and had his wife, also from the same country, with him. They were also very nice, and interested in helping me to better understand Islam. This couple were dedicated to insuring that I had correct information on Islam. Whether they themselves would sit and talk with me, explaining what they could of Islam, or providing for me books, booklets, and even a copy of the Quran translated into English. The extent of the books that they provided for me explained only the basic tenets of Islam, i.e. the ‘pillars’. But the Quran had much more, of course. The couple would frequently invite me to their apartment for a meal or for tea and sweets, or for an outing to the beach or countryside, etc., in order that they get to know me better, and by this method I would witness Islam in practice as well. I saw them during their times of fasting and breaking the fast in Ramadhan, and I witnessed their prayers. I can recall one time in particular when I was present for their prayer, and I had been sitting on the couch before their prayer commenced. By this time I realized that they would face a certain way (although I did not understand yet why). This time, it so happened that their prayer was to face in the direction of the couch upon which I was sitting. I felt self-conscious, that they were praying in a directing seeming to me as if it was directed towards me, and began to move to get out of the way. They all signaled to me to sit just where I was. So I obeyed, and sat still during the endurance of their prayer, patiently, yet quite self-conscious, and uncomfortable, that I was in the direction of their prayer, sitting in front of them, able to view their faces during the prayer. I noticed that they did not actually look at me, so their prayer was obviously not directed at me, yet I was quite uncomfortable that their prayer should be directed in a way that I was in the path of it. I could not understand this odd feeling, yet it was strong and quite uncomfortable.
It took me a period of approximately a year and a little more before I was convinced of Islam. I read all the books provided for me, which actually only told me of the aspects of the requirements of the Muslim. From time to time, the couple, in particular the woman, would press me, trying to insist or pressure me into becoming a Muslim. It was those pressures from her which would push me back a little further, when perhaps I would have become a Muslim at an earlier stage. I was rather rebellious, and although there was much about Christianity that I did not like and did not understand, still I did not like being pressured. Islam was strange to me, although everything that I learned made sense. Still it was strange and different, and that made it frightening. I did not know of any Muslims other than my friends which I had made at college, as well as the many other foreign students which I knew attended the college. I did not know of an American Muslim community, nor did I realize that Islam would and already was growing as it was in America. So the aspect of Islam seemed frightening to me, because I knew that these friends who had introduced me to Islam would soon be leaving for their home countries when their education was finished. And if I were to become a Muslim, then who would be companion and mentor for me in this new religion, if those who introduced me to it would leave? This was all playing on my mind frequently.
As I continued to read the Quran, it became to be more clear and made more sense, even though it was quite different in presentation than the Bible which I was more familiar with. Before reading it, I assumed that it would be similar to the Bible in text and presentation, and therefore as I began to read, it was confusing to me when it seemed non-consistent. A passage would mention one subject matter, and then there would be a passage of some remembrance of God, and then into another passage of another subject matter, followed again by a passage of remembrance of God. And so on and so on. But then I began to realize that such passages of remembrance of God were comparatively little in the Bible, and that this first-seemingly inconsistency was in fact a way of constantly reminding the reader of the true omnipotence of God, of God’s unending mercy and forgiveness, and of the need in us for that mercy and forgiveness. Such seeming inconsistency began to make sense and seem right.
There were still points of Islam which were either confusing to me, or even unacceptable. Points in particular like: polygamy, to name only one. And even the point of the covering for the woman. Although I had admired it as a young girl, it was still something new, and something which I was not accustomed to. Then I became angry and even rebellious that I had been introduced to this Islam. I began to wish that I had never come to know of it. I began to feel a burden on myself, pulling me in two opposite directions. I knew that if I was to accept Islam and become a Muslim, that my family would never be supportive of me in such a decision. This was apparent to me from their response when I told them of my friends that I had met at college, and that they were Muslims, and that I was learning of Islam. I was not yet inclined to become a Muslim, yet I felt that I was being pulled in that direction. And my parent’s reaction when I told them of my friends, was a facial expression which showed it all. They were not surprised or ignorant of Islam itself. It was obvious that they not only knew that it existed, but they also knew what it was and what it entailed. Then why had they kept that knowledge from me all these years? They were angry and upset that I had not only met but made friends with Muslims, and was spending much of my time with them, learning of their religions and their lifestyles. In fact, they went so far as to order me to never see these people again, nor to accept any gifts from them (especially literature). I quietly agreed, to please them and reassure them that I was still their little girl and in their grips, but in my heart, I made a stronger conviction to see these people more often, and learn as much as I could of this religion which my own parents were so adamantly against. It was their anger and fear at this religion which enticed me to learn more.
I continued to read of the Quran, and there was one verse in particular which made a strong emphasis and impression upon my soul. As I continued to read through the Quran, and on various topics, this verse kept on playing on my mind, and bothering me to an extent that I needed to seek some guidance. The verse in question:
‘And whoever seeks a religion other than Islâm, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers.’ S. 3, v. 85.
It bothered me, because, if it is true, then it meant that since I had come to know of this verse, then my adherence to Christianity was now invalid. I could no longer with any true sense of conscious continue in Christianity. I attended the Church and even Bible study sessions, yet it all seemed so wrong now, and even false. Even the minister and other elders of the church, in particular those in charge of the Bible study group, noticed my change of mind of blind acceptance to the explanation of Christianity, and in particular of the trinity. I returned to asking the disturbing questions of the basic tenet of Christianity, the trinity, and was angrily not satisfied with their explanations and declarations of the necessity for blind faith. I was no longer accepting of this, and it was showing in my angry questions and comments to their answers. I became unsatisfied with the Church, it’s members, and their attempts at answers, and I increasingly ceased even going. There was no longer any point in it. I began to seek guidance on my own, even angered and turned off at this point from Islam by the attempts of my friends who lovingly, yet wrongly at that time, tried to push me into becoming a Muslim. Their intents were perhaps good, yet their pressures they made on me at times to become a Muslim only served to push me further from Islam. I continued to read the Quran, but there were still many questions in my mind on Islam, which the Quran did not seem to answer for me at the time. It was that one verse which continued to impress upon me the importance of Islam, in particular since I had come to know of it.
I became angered even that I had learned of Islam. It seemed that I was going in a direction in which I needed to accept it, yet I was frightened. All was new, and I did not yet understand it all, nor did I truly like all that Islam offered and demanded of it’s adherents. Yet I was frightened that I should be left in abyss if I should reject it, because of the point that this particular verse got across.
Finally, I decided to hurl myself into prayer. I tried to wash as I had seen the Muslims wash, but realized that I did not really know exactly how or in what method or order. I ended up taking a complete shower. Then I commenced to face in a direction which I felt at the time was right. I firstly made sure that my bedroom door was locked, so that no one would enter and bother me in my time of devotion and seeking. I began by standing, contemplating on the supremacy of God, and my smallness and total need for Him, and also contemplating on the wonders of the world. Then I proceeded to bow for a time, also contemplating on the supremacy of God, and then returned to stand. Then I got down on the floor on my hands and knees, all the time copying the format to an extent of what I had seen of the Muslims’ prayers, and then prostrated my forehead on the floor, again contemplating on the supremacy of God, and the wonders of His creation, and asking God sincerely for forgiveness and guidance. Then I stood again, and proceeded on in the same format. I continued this alternating of positions for some time, as much as seemed right, and then my final position was a prostration on the floor, and then I remained in this position sitting on the floor, pleading to God, crying by now, even shaking from the crying, for some sign for some guidance of which way to go: i.e. to become a Muslim or to reject Islam.
I did not sleep all that night, only stayed awake contemplating and looking for a sign. Then next day I called my Muslim friends and told them that I needed to see them. When I met them, the woman asked me why was I not yet becoming a Muslim. She insisted with me that I knew enough of Islam by now, and that was when I told them that I felt that I would become a Muslim. But I also confided in them my fear that I would not be able to live and learn as a Muslim in my parent’s home. If I was to become a Muslim, I needed help. It was then that the man who had first introduced me to Islam suggested to me that we get married. It was not a surprise, yet it seemed rather questionable. Most generally American lifestyles today do not promote such an early marriage. I had only recently graduated from high school, and truly I did not yet know this man very well, particularly according to western and non-Muslim standards of dating and knowing another person. We agreed to marry, on the condition that I become a Muslim first, and then proceed to continue with the marriage. And so we did. My marriage to this man facilitated and helped me in my beginning as a Muslim, and facilitated my growth through the years as a Muslim.
On a later trip back to visit my parents, and after having experienced Islam, and learned the prayers more correctly now, and knowing of the direction of the prayer and the reason for it, I noticed that the direction that I inadvertently directed myself that night alone in my parents home was in fact the correct direction of the Muslim prayer, i.e. towards the designated direction of the Kaaba in Makkah.
When I later expressed to my parents my decision of entering into Islam, they rejected it with the fiercest of ferocity which was foreign to me to witness in my parents. The passive compliant parents that I had known for all my life had suddenly transformed into monsters of anger and hatred and even rejection. My loving parents had suddenly changed into hate-mongers who rejected even their own daughter. They threatened me with severing ties, claiming that if I shall proceed in this measure, that I could consider myself not their daughter any more. When they came to realize my conviction to Islam, my choice of accepting Allah’s message of Islam over them, they became angered to the point of declaring that which they had threatened, i.e. severed their ties with me, declared me no longer their daughter, and even told me to forget any possibility of inheritance from them. By this time, although it was a heartbreak to have them cut me off as their daughter, any inheritance from them was the furthest thing from my mind. Although I had no guarantee of job or income, I did not care about such an insignificant thing compared to eternal salvation. And who is to guarantee that perhaps I shall not die before them, and in turn never inherit them? I turned to Allah, seeking guidance and consolance in prayer, and truly felt safe and secure with the promise of Allah’s help. I meekly accepted their threats and declarations, without argument, let them take their course of anger and rejection. And I abided by their insistence that I not attempt to contact them. I would from time to time speak to one of my sisters or my brother, inquiring on the health and well-being of our parents, but they had insisted that I not contact them any more, and so I abided by their wishes. After a period of several months went by, perhaps six, my parents contacted me, with the wish to see me. I agreed with such a meeting, and they traveled to visit me in my own home with my husband, and they emotionally regretted their previous rejection of me as their daughter. It was needless to say that it was an emotional time for all concerned. But my patience and perseverance served well. For they came to realize that this was a true conviction of my heart, my entrance into Islam, and not merely a passing phase that could be affected by their anger or orders or pleadings. I was an adult now, and by all reasons of knowledge and understanding, I was capable of making my own decisions. And when they witnessed for themselves my own conviction to this religion, and my happiness in that decision, they accepted the fact for what it was: I was no longer a Christian, but a Muslim now. And no worldly threats could convince me otherwise.
I thank Allah everyday for having led me and guided me to Islam, and blessed me with the life of the Muslimah that I am. I only ask Allah that He continues to guide me daily, and enhances me with knowledge and wisdom to grow in Islam. My only regrets are that it took me so long to finally become a Muslim. As a young girl, I was searching, yet was discouraged from that search by the very lifestyle and habits of the religion of Christianity. I am ever grateful that the message of Islam was finally presented to me. I have also often regretted the beginning years of my entrance into Islam were taken up and busied by learning only the basics of Islam, and then keeping busy with married life and the beginning of a family, as well as keeping busy with learning a new language and way of life, after moving with my husband to his home country. I was caught up with the daily activities of daily life, and had little time nor energy for the books. I have never felt that it was wasted, for everything has a meaning in life. But it has only been the recent past in which my children have grown to a point of not needing that constant care and attention that they needed in their beginning years, that I have been able to devote to learning more of my own religion. It is an experience of delight with which I devote myself to acquiring knowledge for the sake of Allah, for the sake of helping Islam and spreading the word of Islam. Alhamdulillah, I have been a practicing Muslimah now for 24 years, and I pray that Allah shall guide me to continue in this path and increase until my last breath. And I still have so much more to learn. I hope now to help others as I was once helped.
Learning Islam, living Islam, and being a muslim, has given me a different aspect on life and religion. Coming from a Christian background, there is little that I do not know about Christianity. I have ‘experienced’ Christ, as the Christians like to say, and I have experienced Islam as well. I have experienced a truly special relationship with God in both religions. I am fortunate. Others are not. Many muslims have not experienced another religion and another life, and so they cannot understand Christianity to such an extent, nor do they have the patience with Christians when they preach their religion. They reject the preaching of the Christians not only with the knowledge of Islam, but as well with a measure of fear and unrest because of their ignorance of Christianity. I reject Christianity with a simple rejection of knowledge and faith and understanding. It is because of my past in Christianity, that I have more conviction and faith in the truth of Islam. And it is this truth and faith that I hope and pray to relate to others.
I realize that my knowledge in Islam is limited, and that I still have much to learn. But that is the joy and pleasure and intrigue of Islam, that it is a learning process till the time of our death. It is a religion based on logic, understanding, knowledge, comparison, and truth. Not blind faith as is in Christianity. Such as a love of fatuation to wither and die eventually, so the emotional roller-coaster of Christianity is bound to drop some time or another. The logic and truth of Islam is eternally appealing, and is the bond which not only attracts people to Islam, but as well bonds them to the belief and practice of the religion in all walks of life. Islam is truly a way of life, and not only a religion to be observed on particular days or during a worship service. It is a way of life, dictating acceptable behavior for all possible situations. It is truly the way to salvation.
For surely, no one is deserving of the title ‘Lord’ other than God. May we forever praise Him, and may He forgive us our sins and have mercy upon us.