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To Muslims,
I was browsing throught a site until getting to: http://www.islamicvoice.com/august.2000/matrimonial.htm#wb
and had a few question I'm hoping someone can answer.
Why is "alliance" used instead of "marriage"? A lot of the postings (for finding men) were by parents. Is it usual for the parents to find the husband? Is it culture or religion? What about finding a wife? At least one man was looking for a second wife. Is this man justified in having multiple wives while another cannot find one? Besides that he must treat them all equal, are there other requirements? Cases where polygamy is prohibited?
Thanks,
JBJ
Dr Qaisar
11-01-2002, 04:30
LAST EDITED ON 12-01-02 AT 06:29 PM (GMT)[p]Greetings JBJ,
>I was browsing throught a site
>until getting to: http://www.islamicvoice.com/august.2000/matrimonial.htm#wb
>and had a few question I'm
>hoping someone can answer.
>
>Why is "alliance" used instead of
>"marriage"?
Actually, JBJ, I happen to subscribe to the abovementioned magazine. You might be reading too much in the word "alliance", because when used with respect to matrimonials, its just another word for "marriage proposal". In Muslim arranged marriages, which is the norm in many (most, I guess) Muslim societies, there is a process of initial proposals and counter-proposals and exchange of views between the concerned families before a marriage is finally solemnised.
A lot of
>the postings (for finding men)
>were by parents. Is
>it usual for the parents
>to find the husband?
>Is it culture or religion?
> What about finding a
>wife?
Like I said above, usually arranged marriages are the norm in Muslim communities as well as in most Oriental countries or cultures, as opposed to Occidental practices. Thus, as a rule its the parents or the family elders or guardians who initiate the process of marriage proposals. But as far as Muslims are concerned, its both a thing of culture and religion. But Islam also allows individuals to marry on their own and Islam gives an individual the freedom to do so provided the rules of marriage are observed. Indeed, the Islamic way of marriage, called "Nikah", is perhaps, the simplest and easiest one of all types of marriages. It just needs the consent of the bride & groom, 2 adult witnesses who counter-sign the marriage contract and the payment of the dower (called "Meher" in Arabic) by the groom to the bride at the time of marriage and reciting of the Marriage speech (called "Khutba", similar to the Friday "Khutba") in the name of Allah!! Indeed, the spouse can themselves recite this "khutba" (‘speech‘) by themselves in the presence of the 2 witnesses and the marriage would be legal and valid!!! Simple, isn't it?? Usually, there follows a community feast given by the groom, called "walima".
> At least one
>man was looking for a
>second wife. Is this
>man justified in having multiple
>wives while another cannot find
>one? Besides that he
>must treat them all equal,
>are there other requirements?
>Cases where polygamy is prohibited?
Since marriages upto a maximum of 4 is allowed for a man, of course one should treat them all equally which is the Qur'anic requirement, then no one can legally object if one wishes to marry more than once. But nowadays, this is hardly done due to social & personal reasons in many countries, though, still practiced in some countries or societies. Nevertheless, the option remains valid for all times as it is allowed by ALLAH Himself.
I am not sure but I read in some article that, perhaps. in Tunisia, there are some restrictions with regard to polygamy. Once gain, I don't know if this is true or not and others may know better. Anyway, I hope this helps you in appreciating the Muslim way of marriage.
Dr.Qaisar
seekeroftruth
12-01-2002, 01:58
Salam to all!
How are you?
Mashallah a good response and i hope JBJ is happy with the response.
Just want to add a few links that should help this 'marriage' issue;
Marriage Duties in Islam
>>http://www.unn.ac.uk/societies/islamic/marriage/duties.htm
Importance of Marriage in Islam
>>http://www.qmw.ac.uk/~ra6148/marriage.htm
Marriage
>>http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/humanrelations/womeninislam/marriage.html
The links are all useful to anyone, including myself. The last one is really good, simple and straight to the point. i hope anyone who has doubts please do put your questions forward, not here plz, 'comparitive' please post it on the 'social matter' section for better use.
Take care and please be 'eager' to learn and accept the truth, when it is shown.
salam
sadiQ!!
Assalaamu alaikum.
Greetings and good day to all.
Excellent responses and links already provided. I would just like to add a little bit of a general explanation of the way of life of muslims...according to Islamic teachings. There are today many 'westernized' muslims who do not adhere to this way of life...but what I am going to explain is the more traditional way that muslims go about finding a partner.
Firstly, let us retract to the point that Islam is not only a religion, but a way of life. Therefore, what you will find in many muslim societies and circles is the eminating or culmination not only of traditions or customs of the area of world in which they came from, but as well the culmination of Islamic teachings put into effect in daily life. At least...this is the goal to which they attempt to realize.
As for marriage, in accordance with Islamic teachings, there is very seldomly if ever social intermingling of men and women. Those instances of mixing and intermingling are occurances of need, and not social pleasures or gatherings. Therefore, you would understand the near impossibility of men and women of marrying age to know much about each other's existence to even approach the topic of marriage.
Therefore, when a man or a woman is at that age and desires marriage, they will discuss this with the appropriate family members and those close to them. I.e. the father, mother, aunts and uncles, brothers, sisters, friends, etc. This will begin the process of looking for a mate for that person who has expressed his/her desire for marriage. When anyone of that close circle around the seeker for marriage knows of a good prospect for the person, they will convey what they know about this prospect to the one looking to get married. Then...if that person is further interested, perhaps a meeting will be arranged between the two families for them to begin to know each other...if they do not already know each other. If all things are agreeable...then the first move or first mention would be by the prospective groom and his attending family...to propose the question of marriage. Then the woman's family representative (her father, uncle, brother, etc.) would relay this proposal to her. If, after being in agreement to all that she hears of the prospective groom, then a meeting will be arranged between the two concerned (the prospective groom and the prospective bride) to view each other, sit in the company of each other for a while, perhaps have a chance to ask each other questions or discuss that which is important to them in a future mate. If, after this meeting, either of the parties is not satisfied with what they have seen and found...then the whole procedure is called off. But...if they are both satisfied and agree to go ahead with the marriage, then arrangements are made for the 'nikah'...the drawing up of and signature of the marriage agreement, or document.
In most islamic societies today...although with the signing of this document they are legally man and wife...still they do not begin married life together at this point. This is the equivalent of the western practice of engagement. But...if at anytime either party seeks to diffuse this engagement...then that entails a full legal divorce. It is only when they make the formal wedding that they begin to live together as man and wife. This entails merely a social gathering and full public declaration of their marriage. No more documents...for they are already legally married by the original documentation at the time of the engagement. It is usually that the 'mahr', or dowery, is not fully paid until the time of the wedding or sometime before.
I know that there must be some points missing here...and surely not as eloquent as what Dr. Qaisar has expressed...but thought that I would try to share with you how Islamic life is put into practice. Perhaps this will help you to understand slightly more, inshaAllah. Please do feel free to continue to ask questions if you are not yet understanding some things.
Lulua.
seekeroftruth
12-01-2002, 23:03
Greetings to all!!
salam, got this article quite long ago and it is a very good 'insight' for all the brothers here (including myself). Still time left for myself...........
sadiQ!!
-------------------------------------
CHOOSING THE DESIRED WIFE
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful, the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings upon our beloved and humble prophet Muhammad, and upon his family and companions. When marriage is spoken of during these "modern" times, Muslims become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged marriage, trying to find that "perfect" companion, how much of a financial burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that Islam came to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately we have integrated our local traditions and customs with Islam so that marriage has become a major concern for a man rather than a delightful experience. When living in a free, perverted and corrupt Western society, the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and tests, as a result of mixing with females, which he must face and overcome. He must constantly resist these temptations, which are thrown at him in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so the wisdom of the Prophet (s.a.w) echoes on, when he said: "O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances), and preserves one from immorality..."
When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful household, and how you will know who she is. As Muslims, we believe that Allah wants the best for us, and that His Prophet (s.a.w) illustrated this through his own life. So note that by following the advise of our own Creator, and that of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.
WHO TO MARRY
Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking. The Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed." This specifically defines just what kind of a companion we are seeking, for if we marry her for anything other than her religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall into misery. True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does not last forever and does not guarantee you her obedience and religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and so is worldly status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it may be that through your intention of marrying her for her religion, the rest is given to you anyway.
In another hadith, the Prophet (s.a.w) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious woman! This point has been stressed many times by Rasulallah (s.a.w), who himself, when asked what three things he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman. Once the following ayah was revealed: "They who hoard up gold and silver and do not spend it in the way of Allah, unto them give tidings of a painful doom. On that day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of Jahannam, and their foreheads and flanks and their backs will be branded therewith (and it will be said to them): 'Here is what you hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you used to hoard' "[al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar (r.a.a) has been quoted to say that, when this ayah was revealed, he approached the Prophet (s.a.w), submitting that the ayah weighed heavily on the minds of the Sahaba. Rasulallah (s.a.w) replied that the best thing to be treasured is the devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen, obeys orders instantly and takes full care of herself and her husbands property when he is away. Abu Bakr once asked Rasulallah (s.a.w) what was the best thing to be treasured, and he (s.a.w) replied: "the tongue in remembrance of Allah, the heart filled with thanks to Allah, and a pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds". Look at how valuable such a woman is in the sight of Allah! How can a man live unhappily with such a person.
QUALITIES OF THE PIOUS WOMAN
Alright, you say, you've convinced me, but what actually makes her a pious woman? The answer is simple: Allah himself has described those qualities most loved by Him in the Qur'an, and in the ahadith there are numerous accounts of the virtuous attributes of a pious woman. The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative qualities.
"And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity"[s.24;v.26] "Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard"[s.4;v.34] "It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah will give him in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and fast..."[s.66;v.5].
And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those qualities loved by Allah, qualities which by the way should be evident in both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the following attributes:
a Muslim woman a believing woman a devout woman a true woman a woman who is patient and constant a woman who humbles herself a woman who gives charity a woman who fasts and denies herself a woman who guards her chastity a woman who engages much in Allah's praise.
Among the four known perfect women was Maryam. She was loved by Allah because of her religious qualities: "O Maryam! Worship your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer) with those who bow down"[s.3;v.43]. Another was the wife of Pharaoh: "And Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the wife of Pharaoh: behold she said: 'O my Lord, build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden' "[s.66;v.11].
The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives because of their religious qualities. Aisha once related the fine qualities of Zainab: "(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in the eyes of Allah's Messenger (s.a.w), and I have never seen a woman more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood, more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in practical life and having more charitable disposition and thus more closer to Allah, the Exalted, than her." Ahh, you think, but you'll never find such a woman! Well, if that was true, Allah would not have described her in the first place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from the women described above. Islam deals with reality, not fiction. Sure, the perfect woman doesn't exist, yet "if >you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good"[s.4;v.19]. Remember also that you are not perfect either.
KNOWING WHO SHE IS
To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken, and that first one relies on your personal observation. In surah Nisaa, Allah asks the believing women that they should "lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments," and also that they "should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments"[s.24;v.31]. If you notice a woman acting modestly, being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering her voice when around men), one who attempts to hide her attractions (which includes her external beauty as well as her internal charms), then you know she has some of those precious qualities. When you see a woman unashamedly flirting, unconcerned about her revealing clothes, and freely converses with males- keep far, far away. I'm sure when you get married you want your wife to devote her love to you, not to twenty other "just good friends".
Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse of her nature; for example, the way she stands when conversing, how she maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her time etc. Look for her strong points, and don't stress on her weak ones.
Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want at her, set a private investigator to track her movements, read her diaries (all of which I consider extreme and unIslamic), yet, my dear brother, no-one knows her heart and intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more religious, or whether you are suitable for each other,
except for Allah.
TRUST IN ALLAH
We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge. Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognise His infinite knowledge and wisdom. Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation
nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allah.
It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which affected them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."
I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere
of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn to Allah and seek His perfect help
whenever we require it? Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all
seeking to do something in order to please Him. Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favourite colour is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this salaat.
The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, whether you now feel more favourable or not. Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be blessed with a dream. Note that you must follow the results of an istikharah, because not doing so is tantamount to rejecting Allah's guidance once you've asked for it. Also, you should firstly clear your mind, not have your mind already decided, and then
afterwards follow the results willingly. The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We may seem
shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognising that it is Allah who knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al Qur'an. The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so
I said: 'if this is from Allah, let Him carry it out' ".
Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the rearer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent. When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us: "For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189]. Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our Lord, mayour spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make
us leaders of the righteous"[al-Furqan,74].
I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His
concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him"[s.3;v.159].
May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and
provide us with wives whom He loves. "When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way"[al-Baqarah,v.186].
By: IBRAHIM ABU KHALID
------------------------------------------------
This should help my 'sisters' here on this board!!
-------------------------------------
DEFINING A GOOD HUSBAND
The question we try to raise in this feature touches us in many ways. Whether we are contemplating marriage ourselves, are concerned about a daughter or sister, or thinking about the general welfare of our community, we often find ourselves asking: what makes an ideal husband? And I hope that you will find the answer provided in this feature to be interesting and useful. There are, however, two points which I would like to bring to your attention.
The first has to do with the misconceptions or stereotypes of the ideal husband. In the Western society, for example, the ideal husband is often portrayed as a handsome superman who drives a bright sports car and always ready to do great feats. Or as a kind gentleman who constantly gives flowers to his lady and is ready to carry out all of her wishes. For Muslims, one finds announcements in the matrimonial sections of Islamic magazines to be somewhat different, but not entirely. There, one reads about Muslim men looking for wives presenting themselves as doctors, engineers, and financially secure; and discovers that national origin is being held at high preference. Character, religious trait and attitudes are not typically listed as priorities.
The hadeeth of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wasallam, which said, "If a man whose Deen is acceptable to you comes for marriage, then marry him (your daughter or sister)," seems to have little relevance as to how we decide about what makes an ideal Muslim husband. These misconceptions create false expectations that are partly responsible for the discrepancy between our sincere aspirations and reality, and the continuing rise in the divorce rate among Muslims.
The second point is about the meaning of 'ideal.' Because Islam concerns itself with the practical and the sensible more than with the ideal and the perfect, 'ideal' should be used to reflect 'good' more than 'perfect'. Islam does not provide detailed descriptions of good husbands; instead it gives general outlines of what it expects of him. It treats marital relationship as a partnership and pays a great deal of attention to the problems that will arise between married couples. A good husband then is one who tries his best to live by Allah's orders in all matters of marital and family life. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wasallam, said, "The best among you is the one who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family." So, whenever he makes a choice, the good husband chooses the one that has more 'good' in it. Does that make him perfect? No. He makes mistakes, but whatever happens, he corrects mistakes by going back to Allah's rules and being truthful to them. It is that simple.
I know of many people who were looking for a husband with an "ideal combination of qualities," but in a few years, things boiled down to one thing: if the husband did not have taqwa, there was no limit to how bad things could get. This is a subject that deeply touches our Muslim community and one that should be brought under light. Do you know of other stories, successful marriage stories? Please write to us about them, and any feedback or comments you may have.
Hassen Laidi
Al-Jumu’ah vol.10 issue 10
-------------------------------------------
Take care and remember this three points from me, brother sadiq;
1) learn islam.
2) practise islam.
3) teach islam.
SadiQ!!
Thanks so much everyone! Actually, I still have a couple questions:
Dr. Quaisar said the usage of parents in helping to arrange the marriage is both cultural and religios. Which part is which? What does the shariah say about it? What are the "proposals and counter-proposals" he mentioned?
Besides treating wives equally, having no more than 4, and obeying the state gov, are there any restrictions regarding polygamy?
I always wondered, and Lulua brought it back to memory, how do couples get to know each other before marriage when male and female don't interact much in regular society. Lulua mentioned one meeting between the two and their parents. Are there more of these? Is there time for the couple to spend time alone before the nikah? How long is there? It seems that with the couple having less time together that it would be hard to know that their personalities will match over a very long time. I've heard studies that the American increase in divorce is largely due to the couple going into marriages too quickly. Does this happen with Muslim marriages?
Thanks again everyone. Salaam!
JBJ
Dr Qaisar
15-01-2002, 03:00
Greetings, JBJ
>Actually, I still have a couple
>of questions:
>
>Dr. Quaisar said the usage of
>parents in helping to arrange
>the marriage is both cultural
>and religios. Which part
>is which? What does
>the shariah say about it?
> What are the "proposals
>and counter-proposals" he mentioned?
Well, JBJ, I really didn't understand your question here, "which part is which"? I thought my first response here was adequate in this respect. Also you must try to understand that "Islamic Shariah" is, essentially, a codification of Islamic Law and basic rules & regulations, based on the Qur'an and the Prophet's Sunnah, governing Islamic way of life. Therefore, with regard to marriage, the Shariah, as in all matters, lays down the broad guidelines & method of "Nikah" ie. the requirement of mutual consent, the presence of 2 witnesses & recitation of the "khutba" and the subsequent feast (‘walima‘). But it does not outline the the actual conduct of the marriage process; by this I mean the customs & cultural practices and traditions related to marriage may differ in different Muslim communities or countries. The rituals may vary depending on local customs but the method of "nikah" will be same in accordance with the Shariah.
The phrase, "proposals & counter-proposals", which I used previously have to be understood as follows. Initially, in arranged marriages the families of the two sides (bride & groom) usually receive proposals from many families or sources. There follows a process of sorting out or particular selections from among the numerous proposals. Thus, the interested parties (families) may visit & see the boy or girl and discuss the matter in greater detail; at the same time, a particular family may visit other families to select a ‘better‘ option! Then when they have decided upon a suitable ‘match‘, of course, with the consent of the concerned bride & groom, after which when the matter has been settled, the formal ‘nikah‘ may ensue. Well, at times, it may turn out to be a rather tedious & cumbersome process but, nevertheless, an enjoyable experience for all concerned eventually (usually)!! In Muslim society, marriages are a BIG social & cutural occasion. You got to see it to believe it!
>
>Besides treating wives equally, having no
>more than 4, and obeying
>the state gov, are there
>any restrictions regarding polygamy?
None that I know of. In Islam there are prohibited degrees of marriage and not for polygamy per se as long as the above points are taken into consideration. Well, actually, there is ONE notable restiction concerning polygamy and that is, a husband CANNOT marry 2 sisters at the same time!! He is allowed to marry them separately after divorcing one woman and then marrying her sister, but not both of them together!!
>
>I always wondered, and Lulua brought
>it back to memory, how
>do couples get to know
>each other before marriage when
>male and female don't interact
>much in regular society.
>Lulua mentioned one meeting between
>the two and their parents.
> Are there more of
>these? Is there time
>for the couple to spend
>time alone before the nikah?
> How long is there?
> It seems that with
>the couple having less time
>together that it would be
>hard to know that their
>personalities will match over a
>very long time.
There are no fixed rules regading this aspect. This is actually a recent phenomenon. Traditionally, there was no meeting between the prospective bride & groom before marriage. Indeed, the previous generations of our parents & grandparents in times gone by, never ever met each other even once before marraige, but Alhamdulillah (Praise be to Allah), they have had the most durable & successful of marriages compared to today.
But as sis.Lulua mentioned above, nowadays, the prospective bride & groom have a chance to meet each other & exchange views and find out their likes & dislikes to some extant. But you must appreciate that Islam and Muslim families, as a rule, do not allow the Western system of "pre-marital dating" in any way! Usually, the parents or families of both sides do not mind if the boy (groom) visits the girl's family at home (generally, after engagement) occasionally for further exchange of views and they may even be left alone for sometime to talk to each other. But this may not be case in every given situation (some parents are quite strict). Yet, some parents may even allow the ‘young birds‘ to go out, share a meal in a restaurant, movies also etc. It all depends on the particular family. But a point to note, engagement and the formal ‘nikah‘ are two separate things. Strictly speaking, engagement has no Islamic or legal basis or value and is purely a social custom before the actual marriage.
>I've
>heard studies that the American
>increase in divorce is largely
>due to the couple going
>into marriages too quickly.
>Does this happen with Muslim
>marriages?
Well, there's another side to the story of rise in the American (or Western marriages, in general) divorce rates in the past century. You may appreciate that in many cases in the West, the pre-marital courtship among men & women, may actually outstrip the duration of the marriage itself!! Recent figures show that nearly 50% of marriages in the US end up in court within the first 2 years of marriage while their courtship may have been longer than this!! Of course, this is not to say that this happens in every American marriage and many do last a lifetime also. Yet, at the same time, young couples may "enjoy" a period of cohabitation while never getting married at all later!! The result is for all to see: teenage pregnancy, abortion, single mothers, spousal abuse, family break-ups, promiscuity & adultery, increased divorce rates etc.
Alhamdulillah, the Islamic system of marriage precludes all these disasterous consequeces and promotes stable family & moral values. Indeed, the Muslims worldwide have the lowest incidence of divorce and the abovementioned abominations (in fact, these evils are largely unheard of in Muslim countries!) which weaken the moral fabric of society. I do hope you see merit in the Islamic way of life.
Dr.Qaisar
Salaam all,
Thanks a lot. I think my only question is that Dr Quaisar said there is no premarital dating allowed, which I've also heard from friends, but that some families allow outings. What's the difference?
By the way, the modern American habits of marriage and the like disgust me as well: teen pregnancy, abortion, divorce, etc.
Thanks again for all your efforts!
JBJ
There is no dating in islam!
I have not read all the responses so what i shall say now might be repeated but i just want to put marriage in islam in simple terms...
I'm talking islamicly...forget tradition!! Traditions are not part of islam!
In islam, if a man is interested in a woman, it will probably be for one of the four reasons: wealth, religion, beauty, and...oops i forgot the fourth one. anyways.. the propeht peace be upon him said.. the best is to marry for religion.
Second...if the man likes a woman... he doesn't talk to her... because if he does... this might give a chance for something to go on... which is not allowed. So.. he talks to her family. Given that her family are good muslims and know the rules... and do not care for tradition, they ask for a time to think. During that time, they ask about the man, how responsible is he, how good a muslim is he...etc. If they like him, they tell their daughters. now its time for the two people to decide. They sit together in the presence of the family. If they like each other... they announce engagement. During engagement, the two are not allowed to be alone.
The man is only allowed to see the hands, and face of the woman. some scholars say he can see other parts like her hair etc... hmm... i do'nt know!
Then, the man provides the amount of dowry the woman asked for to her... and then they announce marriage and they perform the marriage seremony.
a woman must be able to choose her husband unless her family refuse him for a religious reason or for something in his manners!! These are the two only allowd reasons for family to refuse him.
in islam, the parents are not allowed to refuse a man based on how much money he has, how beautiful he is or whatever!
a woman may not be married except with her concent!!!
The parents are there to guide not to make things hard. They are simply involved as to be able to think logically away from emotions. the girl usually is emotional and if she likes a man will not think of is he really the best muslim i should marry.... but the family will look at things from a different prespective...both are important for a successful marriage.
a woman needs her family's permission as i said unless they refuse for religion or manners... a man doesn't need any permission to marry.
hmm.... i hope this makes things clear!
this is islamic not traditional....forget stupid traditions that people stick to and call them islamic!!
there is no such thing as arranged marriage in islam.. the prophet's first wife,khadija, who is one of the 4 best women ever... was the one to ask for the hand of the prophet in marriage!!!
So... woman can be the one to propose..although not common.. but allowed!
vancouver
18-03-2002, 21:04
God never agreed to any man having more than one wife. He tolerated it in times gone by but always condemned it. Abraham's son by his concubine(servant girl)was rejected by God. Instead he caused Sarah to have a miraculous child well past her child-bearing years. It was through that child of the marriage that God allowed the line of the Messiah to come through. Jesus reiterated that from the beginning a man shall be married to only one wife. It was only death and adultery that broke a marriage and with adultery God blessed forgiveness by the wronged partner which allowed the marriage to continue.
:)
don't think you can speak for God.... The book of God is the word of God....only God can say what he tolerates or not.
:)
vancouver
19-03-2002, 01:22
The Bible is God's word and it plainly tells us what God's feelings are on marriage and the sanctity of it. It also says that he allowed a lot of wrongdoing because of the hard-heartedness of the Isrealite nation. The fact that he did not put such ones to death showed his great love for mankind and his tollerance of wrongdoing up to a point. But he also expects mankind to strive to please God and desist from such wrongdoing. God is never happy with wrongdoing but he knows that we are dust and is extremely patient with us. But the scriptures clearly show that this patience has its limits as he showed in the flood of Noah's day and will show again in the greatest tribulation mankind will ever experience. We are supposed to get to know God closely as the scriptures point out and learn to have the mind of God as far as this is humanly possible.
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