View Full Version : Required: A Caring Muslim's Help
(salam)
After Allah, I turn to you dear brothers and Sisters in Islam to please give me good advice to alleviate my problem.
I will give a little overview of my problem first and then elaborate afterward.
I am a Muslim male from Pakistan currently studying in New Zealand and am 20 years of age. You see, there is this girl in my uni that I really really like, adore and admire; and would like to propose and marry her inshAllah. But there are some problems; she is a Christian, for me to marry her she has to change her life style a lot, and I don’t think she regards me anything more than just a friend. The question I am faced with is: What do i do?
Let me tell you brothers and sisters little about me so you may understand me better when advising me. I am a Muslim who takes great pride in being a Muslim. I pray 4 times a day (offering Qaza of Fajr ), don’t drink and don’t smoke. I have a beard mashAllah and am quite active in Islamic activities in my city here. I am a good student, a hard worker and very sincere to my ambitions and goals. Once i decide on doing something, i don’t give up. Either i get what i strive for or things become impossible for me to achieve. I don’t swear and don’t like gossipping or using abusive language which make me a tad uninteresting; for some people I guess I am a bit boring as well as history, religion, current affairs, sociology are my favourite topics.
Now some thing about that girl: She is the same age as me. She is what i would call a typical young girl that has grown up into a western society. She is a Christian but not a very believing or abiding one. She drinks; she goes to night clubs Thursday evenings with her boyfriend(s), she gets herself a new guy every 1-2 months, likes discussing cool musicians. Um, she is not a Westerner though; she is from a small island pacific nation called Samoa. One might liken the Samoans in New Zealand to the Afro-Americans in the US. They are brown-skinned, like fun and partying, loud-mouthed, active in sports and stuff like that.
I may not be that old and i realize some one might just regard as another teen crush; but I am quite more mature than my physical age. For one year now, I have tried slowly and gradually coming closer to her. It was immensely difficult! I couldn’t take her to good wine parties, couldn’t go with her on pub crawls and stuff like that. So i got nearer to her offering to be her study mate before the exams began (i am a pretty good student!), i dropped her home after long sessions of classes, bought her lunch from Halal takeaways, helped her out with her assignments and stuff; all the while making sure there was no physical contact, no “suggestions” from my side and basically tried to contain my nafs! It was difficult. I can remember lots of times when i felt embarrassed coz i could not touch her. When your study-mate manages to finish off her assignment in time and it is time for jubilation, she expects a patting on her back from you and a hug! And i could not, because i held Islamic “akhlaaq” before everything.
She is a really nice human being. She is funny, witty, intelligent, has a golden heart and i do believe in my life a wife like her would inspire and help me a great deal. People, especially my friends and i suspect her friends as well started talking about us just this while. Even though my friends tease/talk me about her in my language, the gestures they use when remarking are too easy for her to guess. When i am with her; i am tongue tied which is very unlike me. And when i email her or send a text to her mobile, I just can’t contain myself. I am an average poet and perhaps better at writing my feelings; and i write her long funny mails without expressing my feelings to her. But as i don’t have a lot of other lady friends here in the uni, and she knows my character quite well (she once called me “innocent”) so if she suspects i regard her more than just a friend; i would not be surprised!
The problem now? Since these two weeks we are not talking much. I offered her to study with me again when we came back from our semester vacations and she is kinda not too keen on it. She doesn’t say anything. Just, you know, if there are empty seats in the class; she would not come and sit with me. A while ago, i had offered to take her to a movie and she had liked the idea. Two weeks passed by, as she was busy with other stuff. A third week passed by, because she had to leave the city. (I have never heard her lying! One very good “ISLAMIC” principle she follows unknowingly ) And the fourth week passed when i went to her again to ask her out; she said her boy friend didn’t want her to go with me! Wallahi Ilm! It had taken me a great courage to ask her out, even though i am a very confident guy; the movie i had planned to take her was a comedy. I don’t know! Movies, well ‘decent movies ’was the only closest thing i had come up with that she would not have minded or felt bored at, and i didn’t have to compromise a lot of my principles.
After all, i do believe i have the right to pursue a lady with the intention of marriage and coming to know her better. Since i love her more than she does me, in the beginning i think i had to get as close as possible to her ideals without sacrificing mine! She has to know me and since she isn’t too interested, i felt i had to take the initiative.
Do i sound too boring or jumbled up? I am sorry if i do. But i am really immensely stressed. i came up with three options in my case...
i- i let things happen by themselves. I just hang out in front of her; hope and wish she notices me and develops an interest in me
ii- i get over her, forget her and move on
iii- propose her either now or take some more time to familiarize her with me and then ask her hand for nikaah
With the ‘can do’ attitude i have i don’t want to settle for option 1. I like making things happen. With option number 2, i am not and wont become a coward by accepting defeat; even before trying. With option 3, if i propose her right now, most probably she rejects me; if i wait for the correct time to propose as she begins to like me more, i don’t know when the correct time would come, and till it comes i have to go through the mental agony of seeing her in arms of other men!!!
Brothers and Sisters in Islam, i trust you would advice me sincerely and in the light of Allah’s Quran and the prophet’s Sunnah.
Had Prophet Mohammad (pbuh) been in the same situation, what do you think he would have done; or what would his advice be?
Plus, can you advise me how to pursue my relationship with her remaining in accordance with the principles of Allah? And most importantly, perhaps, how do i let her get to know me better. I cant take her everywhere and studying together doesn’t reveal a person, i think.
Jazakullah for reading through this looong post.
Wassalam,
Aashiq
As-Salamu-Alaikum Brother Aashiq !
Brother, would you be so kind as to tell us what your parents say about this whole affair (if at all they know about it)?
Being a Pakistani myself, i do know that some Pakistani parents do not like their children to marry a non-Pakistani (even if that non-Pakistani be a Muslim), and i do find this rather odd, but this is the attitude of some Pakistani parents. So, perhaps you could give us some insight as to what your parents think. If they don't know, do you plan to tell them? And, what will their reaction be, according to you, when you tell them (if you haven't already done so)
Secondly, i'd like to ask you if you really feel you want to marry this person. You have mentioned in your post, that some people might believe this is just a teen crush. But, are you sure it isn't?
Thirdly, do you wish this girl to accept Islam?
Fourthly, how do you feel about maintaining a relationship, and spending time, with a non-mahram girl (in this case the girl in question).
There are quite a few important issues we need to discuss brother. Insha'Allah, we will discuss them later on.
Ma'asalama,
Asif.
Dear brother
Assalamu Alikom wa rahmatuAllah wa barakatu
brother.... know that.... if u love anything or anyone for Allah's sake... then you are doing what is right...
i, with all sincerity, would not recommend you to marry such a lady!!! akhee... as a muslim man, you must want a lady who is yours and only yours!! not one that goes around with 100 men!!
sorry to be so honest ... but this girl is not good what so ever!
so what if she is honest?? she has no shame! a new bf every 2 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she is not even honest in her relationships!!!! do'nt you see this akhee??
do you like her cause she is funny?? well when u marry her and she has a new boyfriend that won't be funny any more...
do you like her cause she is pretty??? well when she grows old she won't be pretty any more...
ya akhee.. the prophet peace be upon him said that a lady is married for four things:
1. her wealth
2. her beauty
3. her religion
4. her family
and then he said... and if u win the one with the religion you had gained a lot! a treasure!!
brother..... know that there are many Muslims sisters who are funny, pretty and well behaved....and they are more deservant of marrying.... know that if u think u are a good Muslim and still at the same time "want" someone like "this".... then u should review your relationship with Allah.
I am sorry to be a bit harsh akhee.... but... what you are going through is a teen crush.... you know why???
cause in my definition of love...
love never ruins, love is to love someone as they are and not to want to change them, love is to hold hands and walk in the path of Allah, love is to find ur other half, the one that would complete you.
and to know if u really love this girl... ask urself...
would her love not ruin anything?? your relationship with ur parents? your relationship with Allah?? what if u marry her and she doesn't like ur style any more and then she asks for divorce.... it is very common!!!!! what about if you had a child from her ... and then what? u ruined ur life, and the child's life?!?!?!
do you love her as she is??? if not... then do u think u really can change her?????? well change her before you marry her not after.... don't take chances
would she help u in the path of Allah.... would she complete you so you both make a perfect muslim "unit"?????
If drinking and boyfriends and clubs is what is missing from your character.... then.... :(
akhee... what u need is one to wake you up for fajir, one to respect you, one to raise your kids properly...
let me ask you... do u think this "western" lady would be like ur mother was???
Do u know... my mother knows this western lady.... and she was surprised that my mother makes coffee for my father!!!!! :confused: she said.. that when her husband asks for coffee she says to him "I am not ur mother u can make it urself"
well.... just think.. is that ur idea of a wife?????
do u think a western lady would take ur "yelling" at times when u are mad??? at least a muslim lady will be quiet out of respect and out of obeying Allah.... what would make this lady quiet????
and if u urself decide after marrying her you no longer want her... u decide to take ur children and marry another lady.... do u think any lady would accept a man with a past?? or do u think the kids would be happy?? or do u think she would let u simply take the kids and go????
not only that.... what makes u guarantee that ur kids would want to be Muslim?????? would u like ur daughter in night clubs and with boyfriends every week????????
akhee... marriage and love are not a game..... do not abuse them.... marriage and love are for completing our other half of the deen..and if we reflect about this hadith where marriage is described as completing the other half of ur deen we see that this is because this "wife" will be the one to help u through the things u missed from ur islam... she'll be the one to wake u up for fajir, help u do ur zakah, and raise a good family....
akhe.. u might think u can work things out with a non muslim lady for awhile.... but remember... one of u two has to sacrify... and its usually the man who pays the prise!!!!! if u think u can work things out... sure maybe for a year or two... give it 5.... but not for long.... i'd say 80% of cases like this are a failure!
be cautious and do not rush .... and do istikhara and ask Allah for help... for only He can guide....
wassalam
Assallamu alaikum dear brother.
Both members, bro asif and sister rasha have given valuable advice and instructions.
I just wish to 're-post' what sister rasha said, subnhallah, its so beautiful and the definition is so correct, may allah reward you and make the path to jannah easy, ameen.
Sister Rasha Comments;
" cause in my definition of love...
love never ruins, love is to love someone as they are and not to want to change them, love is to hold hands and walk in the path of Allah, love is to find ur other half, the one that would complete you. .."
Remember brother, love for us 'young' ones is just a 'four-lettered' word. We do not understand it properly to call it love. And as scholars have said; "Love comes afer marriage".
As the verses of the Quran have said, a husband and a wife are like 'garments' to one another. And one uses garments to cover oneself, to comfort oneself, to find peace, and to rest and so on.
From your post; "..And the fourth week passed when i went to her again to ask her out; she said her boy friend didn’t want her to go with me! Wallahi Ilm! It had taken me a great courage to ask her out...."
Now, this is someone who is not pure and not worthy of a brother such as you. Be patient and have trust in Allah.
Your Brother, BinZiad.
Assalam o Alaikum dear brothers and sister
Jazakullah and thanx a lot for replying. Specially Sister Rasha, i read ur advises, printed ur reply and read and reread it. (I thought u were a bro, until Brother BinZiad removed that misconception!)
I have talked to a number of people. I would say almost all of them advise me to give up on her. I hear from almost every one that this wont work, or i am not realizing what i am doing.
Brother Asif, my parents would not mind me marrying a girl that is non-Pakistani! They expect me to marry of my own accord with a good pious girl that I like. There are a lot of Pakistani parents I know who are quite narrow-minded when it comes to marriages of their children, but alhamdullilah not mine.
I have not told my parents anything as yet, becoz i am not decided! And if and when i tell them, my parents would support me and accept my choice (as long as their would be daughter-in-laaw is a muslima)
Secondly, i'd like to ask you if you really feel you want to marry this person. You have mentioned in your post, that some people might believe this is just a teen crush. But, are you sure it isn't?
Brother, to answer ur second query, I myself am not too sure after hearing so many things from different people. I like being with her, i genuinely like her company as well as I am attracted to her physcially. I realize that marrying someone like that brings a lot of hardships and problems; but I am not afraid nor naiive about them. I acknowldge that.
I realize marrying someone like her is difficult; it brings painful past, past boyfriends, past history and past troubles. Yet i want to stand up to them and face them with her!
Thirdly, do you wish this girl to accept Islam?
I should have mentioned this earlier. I do wish more than perhaps anything for her to embrace Islam. Its difficult and a big ask, i know. To impress upon her the beauty and charm of Islam and for her to accept Islam leaving her present lifestlye IS a big ask for anybody. But should not i at least try?? What if i look at these years later on in my life and think: why didnt i atleast inform her more?? what if I had proposed to her?? Maybe she was on the verge of conversion and I didnt even give her the opportunty?? WHY DIDNT I ATLAST TRY??
She has loose morals, worse character, is hardly a model for my would-be children; but what makes sure she will forever remain that way, i ponder?? What if her parents, her society, her friends, her social circle never taught her those things that we cherish as MODEL ISLAMIC CHARACTER? She used to be a Catholic when she was born to her parents, went once to a Mormon church, liked their teacings and converted...
We once were having a Spritual week at our campus and i manned the Islam stall with some of other brothers. I gave her a book or two on Islam and she was so naiive about Islam that she asked me what is the difference between Islam and Muslim and Who is Allah?? It isnt her fault if no body showed her the Right Way, is it? I am prejudiced in her favor, i know; but doesnt this make it my responsibility when i like her as well.
Even though Allah allows us to marry Christians and Jewish women in the Quran; yet I would like the mother of my children to be a role model Muslima. As Sis Rasha reminded me very beautifully; she should be the one who wakes me up for my Fajir, respects and loves me and grows up my children in a perfect Islamic Unit! I dont want this girl to be mother of my children if she retains her character; i hope to help her change, i envision her wearing a hijab preparing our children for school, teaching them good morals and inspiring and loving me! It is a big ask, but is it impossible?? How do i know if its possible or not if i dont try? Didnt the prophet Mohammad peace be upon him told us not to hate somebody because of their bad habits but hate their bad habits and help them to change???
do you love her as she is??? if not... then do u think u really can change her?????? well change her before you marry her not after.... don't take chances Sister Rasha, thats what I hope and pray to Allah the almighty; and i wish to changer her... I just dont know how?
be cautious and do not rush .... and do istikhara and ask Allah for help... for only He can guide....
Sister i took ur advice. I did Istikhar for the very first time in my life. I printed this duaa, offered Isha, then prayed two rakkah of nafal and then prayed to Allah to grant me what I want if she is better for me or keep me away from her if she isnt..
When i woke up this morning i didnt really remember the dreams i had seen, though i am sure i didnt see her. All i remember of the dreams is that they all had a positive meaning and inspiration. When i woke up in the morning, my heart was inclined towards pursuing her...
I dont know if i did the Istikhara properly or am deducing the right meaning. What i expected when i slept is Allah to inspire me against going for that girl due to immense potential problems, yet i wake up and i feel otherwise..
wasslam
Bismillah Irahmen Irahem
Salam Alikom
My fiancee recently told me something that he had read :
"A muslim man will always be better than a non-believing man, even if you love the non-believer better."
then it continues
"A muslim woman will always be better than a non-believing woman, even if you love the non-believer better."
I converted to Islam, and I found out through my own mistakes that what my fiancee read is true. A non muslim, who will possibly never convert to Islam, drinks, and has many many boyfriends, will not be as good as a muslim who practices their deen, follows it to their best ability, guards their modesty from others, and believe in Allah and the Prophet Mohammed (peace and blessing of Allah be upon him). You may feel that you love her, but wait until you meet a muslimah who will touch you deeper in your heart and soul more than any non-believer could.
Sorry I replied late..
Sister Rose
Assalamu Alikom
I am glad brother that you are really trying your best to do what is right.... I am also so glad you have done istikhara...
let me point out more about Istikhara.. .it is a misconception to many that Istikhara means "seeing a dream". It is not. When you do istikhara.. . that means Allah will choose for you what is best, will make you do it... u don't neccesary see a dream.
Secondly about you wanting to change her.... then let me tell you this.... da'awa is always a must for us. You MUST teach her about islam... this is fine! But... my advice is... as long as she is the way she is now..... do not even propose for marriage!!!! You can be "friends" if u want and try to help her see the beauty of Islam, give her more books, get her to meet Muslim sisters who are good in da'awa and are open to help her.... give her tapes, take her to lectures, stuff like that might inshaallah help her see the beauty of islam
Being attracted to her must not make you forget that first and foremost you are a muslim and thus you are a servant to Allah
what you mentioned about "facing her past together" :) I am sorry it made me smile cause.... it is completely "youth" style ... i don't mean to offend you akhee... and I am not much older than you are.... but... see when we are young, we think.. I will face the world for what I want!!! When we grow older things are different.... we think more maturly and... I know that if i was caught up in so much trouble.... and if i try but they never end..... i would just let it be. And many of us are like this. You said you want to face it together... now let me tell you as a lady.... these things cannot be faced by anyone but her!! If she converts, then she would through the past behind her, and you should too.... and start a new life... new page. Then.. i'd most encourage you to marry her.... because Islam erases the past, and Islam purifies.... but as long as she is the way she is... I won't suggest that you be anything more than one who calls to islam! be an example....
I know i said be a "Friend"... just to say I personally am against "mixing". And... would not even speak to my colleages in school unless they ask me a question directly.... which is rare. and I know sis Rose is a great new Muslimah ;) but she too have learned the adab of Islam since her conversion.... where as a girl like this you are after... knows nothing of that and will not even want to know!!
my recommendation to you is to start teaching her the basics... who is Allah, what do we believe about Allah, what do we believe about Jesus, what do we do as muslims, islamic prayers, dress code, etc.
Maybe you should hmm... if u know her address (email or postal code) send her maybe once in awhile something without your name .. let it be a misterious friend.... she might read it :)
lastly... do not stop doing istikhara... don't do it once only.. do it more than that... every other day, every week... whatever u want.. but do not stop... for it is a tool that Allah gave us to enrich our lives and help us through out.... and in ur salaah... say this du'a..
" O Allah, if you were not to guide me, who would, if you were not to help me, who would.... you have many servants but I have one God, O Allah help me do what is right"
I pray that Allah would guide you akhee....and all of us... and that lady too.... for as sis Rose said.. there is nothing better than a believer.
TrueFaith
02-08-2003, 03:51
Hey aashiq!!!
I know you asked for muslims help, but i just had to ask you a question. btw i am a christian, hope you dont mind!!
my question is would you really wanna marry a girl who has been with so many guys? i mean what if one day (once you have married her) u come across her ex-boyfriend, wouldn't that be uncomfortable knowing that other guys have touched your wife and stuff??
There are lot of complications in such a relationship, it is good you want to change her bad habits, but marriage i am not too sure!!
i certainly would not marry such a girl!!!
you sound like a sensible guy, who is religious, do the right thing by your religion and follow the advise given by rasha,asif etc..
May God guide you.
Peace and Take care
Assallamu alaikum and greetings to fellow members.
I think, i cant add much to what has been said, and all the brothers and sisters have helped so much with thier advice and knowledge. Just wish to add few points and 'texts' concering the topic of istikhara.
"it is a misconception to many that Istikhara means "seeing a dream". .... as said by sister rasha so rightly
The following article from www.ask-imam.com;
........................
STATUS OF DREAMS IN ISTIKHARAH
Firstly, one must understand that none of the narrations in the Ahadith have
any mention regarding a dream, or even about performing the 'Istikharah'
before sleeping. However, some "Ulama do prefer that Istikharah be performed
before sleeping.
With regards to the person who does see a dream after performing
'Istikharah', this dream is just like any other dream that a person sees.
This means that just as other dreams fall under one of three categories
(which will be explained shortly), likewise will the dreams seen after
Istikharah1 be. It is reported in a Hadith narrated in Sahih Bukhari and
other books of Hadith that dreams are of three types:
1. Hadeeth-un-Nafs (imaginations)
2. 'takhweefus shaytaan' a dream instilled in the mind by shaytan. This also
known as 'wasaaisu-us-shaytaan' or 'tahzeenu-us-shaytaan'.
3. 'Bushraa minallaah' True dreams, which are also known as 'mubash-sharaat'
It is mentioned in a Hadith that the dreams of pious muminin (believers) are
generally true dreams.
Another Hadith states: "The most true dreams are those seen at the time of
Sahar (early dawn).
IS SALAH NECESSARY?
In some Ahadith that deal with 'Istikharah', mention has been made of two
raka'at, while others contain no mention of Salah before 'Istikharah'. Since
the narration of Hadrat Jabir (Radhiallaahu Anhu) mentions the performance
of two raka'at before 'Istikharah', Allamah 'Aini (RA) has stated that it is
Sunnah to perform two raka'at before 'Istikharah'. In fact, the narration of
Abu Ayyub Ansari (Radhiallaahu Anhu) contains the following words: 'Thumma
salli maa kataballaahu laka'
"Then perform how many rakaat Allah has destined for you" referring to the
fact that if more than two raka'at (whether 4, 6, 8 etc.) are performed, it
will be preferable. This narration of Hadrat Abu Ayyub Ansari (Radhiallaahu
Anhu) also mentions of the performance of 'wudu' properly before the Salah,
and praising Allah before the du'a.
However, since most of the narrations do not have any mention of Salah,
'Istikharah' will be correct by reciting the du'a only, especially when
circumstances do not allow one to perform Salah.
HOW MANY TIMES?
As far as performance of 'Istikharah' more than once is concerned, the
"Ulama have regarded it as 'mustahabb' i.e. preferable to perform it three
times. This is on the basis of the narration of Ibn Mas'ud (Radhiallaahu
Anhu) wherein he states that when Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam)
made du'aa, he would repeat it three times.
However this is not a Sunnah in Istikharah as there has been no mention in
this regard in any of the Ahadith of Istikharah. As regards the narration of
seven times, due to it being an unauthentic narration, it cannot be used as
a basis for the establishment of any matter in Din.
THE SHORTEST FORM OF ISTIKHARAH1
In a 'weak' narration, Hadrat Abu Bakr (Radhiallaahu Anhu) is reported to
have stated that whenever Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) intended
to do anything, he used to say:
"O Allah, destine good for me, and choose for me'
CONCLUSION
Lastly, one of the most important benefits of Istikharah is that it
strengthens a person's connection with Allah. Through excessive Istikharah,
one learns to take directly from the treasures of our Creator, the Being in
whose hands lies all good and bad, benefit and harm. May Allah grant the
writer, the reader and the rest of the ummah the understanding of this great
and noble Sunnah.
From the above, it is apparent how easy Din has been made by Allah, and
actually we are the ones who have made Din difficult. Consequently, the
lifestyle that we follow causes us, as well as others, to believe that Islam
is a difficult way of life. However, Allah has kept comfort, contentment,
peace of mind and ease only in following His commands and the Sunnah of His
Rasul (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam).
Now that we have learnt the importance of this great Sunnah, it remains our
responsibility to search for every other Sunnah, bring it into our lives and
take it to the rest of mankind. This was indeed the way of the Honourable
Companions of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) and our pious
predecessors. May Allah grant us the towfiq to follow their noble footsteps,
Aameen.
by Shaykhul Hadith Moulana Fazlur Rahmaan Saheb
............
From the same website, the following article, fatwa is very much related to your situation and can explain this action in islam with in regards to finding a wife. And the detailed explanation of the manner of doing it, if not known to you, or any member.
Can you do istekhara to find out that who is your future wife? Can you also tell me how to perform and how your do istikhara. (http://www.islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=2855)
Hope this helps.
Jazak ullah brothers and sisters
I really cant thank you guys enough for ur valuable advices and ur concern. Thanks again. You people have certainly helped me understand my situation from a third person perspective..
Just one little request. Whenever u guyz next pray; I would be most honoured and grateful if you'd remember me even for a little second :) Please pray that Allah grants whats best for me; and that Allah swt makes me satisfied on His decision...
Wassalam,
Aashiq
Assalamu Alikom...
that's the attitute Akhee.... May Allah grant you all the best, and guide you for all the best and help you be a good servant of his.
It is our duty Akhee to help you ... as a Muslim... this is one of our jobs and duties towards our fellow Muslims... the prophet peace be upon him said (Addeno Al naseeha) which translates to Deen (religion) is Nasiha. And notice how the prophet here said Deen IS nasiha and did not say Nasiha is part of our deen to stress that our entire deen is a Nasiha. And Nasiha is Advice :)
May Allah help us all and keep us steadfast on his Deen. Ameen.
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