Need Urgent Advice

[anon2294]

I am a young British Pakistani Muslim, I had a bad childhood where I grew up watching my father beat my mum and treat her worse than an animal. My older brother who saw this and hated my fathers actions has grown up to be exactly like my father if not worse. I feel he is emotionally troubled by what happened and what we saw and experienced when we were Children. Although all this is in the past and I have completely moved on with my life so much that I don't have any contact with my parents. But this had affected and moulded my personality in a way that ever since I was a child I had a hatred for men. Not only was my father this way but many other men in the Muslim Asian community behaved like Kaffars towards their Wifes and family's.
I have seen close friends of mine develop a hatred towards their religion thinking Islam teaches men to behave in irrational ways.
But to be honest, After looking into my Belief I cannot see a single fault or error in what Islam teaches us as Individuals and what it teaches us in terms of how to behave, how to bring up a family, etc.
However, I have never practised my religion as much as I would have liked to or as much as I could, I'm ashamed to say I don't pray 5 times a day and I don't cover and my Imaan is weak. When I was at school all my friends dated boys and had relationships with members of the opposite sex. Although I had male friends (who I was not particularly close with) I never had a physical relationship of any sort with a man, I never had a boyfriend. Not because I was being religious but simply because I felt too witty, I have always been really paranoid about men and had this biassed hatred towards most of the men in my life where I feel every man has a hidden Agenda. Though it's only asian muslim men i have really ever known or studied with or worked with. I do one day want to get married and have my own family so that I can belong to something and be apart of someone, Thats been my lifetime ambition to be a good mother and a good wife and make my life better than what it was and give my children a better childhood then I had and have a relationshipwith my husband that my mother never had. At the same time although i am not at the moment practising I have always dreamt that when I am someones wife I will help them improve their deen as well as improve my own and teach my children the beauty of my faith.
3 years ago I met an amazing man, I never had a illegitimate relationship with him but for a year we would just talk for an hour or so every month or every two months.
As I previously explained I have this nature to be really synical and negative and judgemental towards men, when he was genuinely nice towards me I just thought he was being "a man" I never trusted him at all. Two years went by and I started to feel realy attracted towards him. As I said I'm not practising so this didn't make me feel guilty in a religious sense. I just found him really attractive and met with him on several occasions. He has been engaged to another woman and from us meeting he left her and asked me if i wanted to pursue a relationship, As I was living on my own I was really lonely in the emotional sense that I just needed someone to talk to,for a whole year since then we have been in a relationship where we meet once a week and just go and have dinner or he helps me with my weekly chores, shopping etc. Has supported me financially and emotionally in the last year.
In my heart and mind I feel our relationship is so pure as we don't commit zinnah in a physical sense, he respects me SO much he doesn't take advantage of me at all. If it wasn't for him I would have had nowhere to live and he has become my rock as we talk everyday for hours.
As i said to me our relationship feels more pure than that of a husband and wife, As I'm not his wife but he shows me more love, more respect and more empathy than any husband I've ever known has shown his wife, despite this our relationship is not pure in the eyes of Almighty God SWT.
I have grown up in a way that my culture is more stronger influence than my religion i know it shouldnt be like this but unfortunately it is the case, Although he is the same culture as me he is not same religion. He is a sikh.
Although he is not a religious Sikh he doesnt practise sikhism and looks like a young muslim man as this is what I thought. We just never spoke about religion and he admits although he didnt lie to me he avoided telling me the truth as he didnt want to lose me, all the muslims in my town think that he is muslim so i have never been in any trouble from the community when seen with him, but we are lying to people and both of us feel guilty of this.
This has been eating away at me, I know i am not religious but I am still Muslim with desire to improve my Imaan, How can I do this when I'm madly in love with a Kaffar.
Recently for 3 or 4 months I have been trying to end our relationship, He has cried and begged me and said he will do anything, he will leave everything for me.
I am so shattered and broken inside. My conscience is eating away at me, If I marry him I will become a confirmed Kaffar and I would rather have nothing in this life than to lose the chance of Jannah. I am not saying I think i am going to heaven anyway because i am not a good muslim and i have done many wrong things. But if i marry him i will not be muslim at all.
So i have decided that what we have has GOT to end.
I am heartbroken, I know that there isn't another guy on this earth like him, I personally will never meet anyone who is going to be on the same level as him. His qualities are endless. I have not just fallen for the first man who is in love with me as I have had attention from many men in life so this has never bothered me. It's more the fact that he as a person as human is amazing, His personality has no faults in it ? I have been surrounded by many muslim men in my life, relatives, school friends, work friends. No muslimman can compare to him, He has all the qualities that Islam teaches. I have studied quite abit on Islam and I feel all the qualities a man should have, be it manners, love, everything are inside this non-muslim ?
The questions that run through my mind day and night are, if God sent an angel like person like this in my life, why is he a kaffar ?
This is too big a test for me because I can never be happy with another man now that I have met him.
I really need some advice ... Please don't judge me, I am already ashamed of myself.

[roleary]

why don't you both declare shahada and actually start practicing Islam, particularly yourself, and If he refuse then it does not matter because this life's relationships are insignificant in comparison to that of allah, allah provides and surely there is no situation that prayer cannot lead to resolution inshallah. Their are many men and women here anyway. Something I have come to realize is that you cannot look outward for comfort which can only be authentically gained from self improvement and closeness to allah, meaning that a partner cannot help you if you cannot help yourself first. I think partners are meant to supplement and reflect your own righteousness and well being, not replace it.
Again, I would say prayer and proper Islamic practice is far more important then some man... who is not even Muslim, who cares? Improve yourself and inshallah you will be given a good Muslim husband.

[anon2294]

Thanks Rob, but I think it's maybe not possible for another to understand, or insignificant in writing.
That's my whole point he is not just some man, I appreciate what you mean because thats exactly what ive been thinking for along time, that i am sacrificing my Life over a guy. I have become everything I have tried not to become, The more I pitied my mother and other women like her the worse my own outcome is. As you say in the end. Good muslim Husband. I don't want another good muslim husband. No-one can ever compare to him. I know and respect some strong practicing Muslim rolemodels but even they do not possess the traits that this man does.
This is what I can't understand, the irony of this matter, the fact that he is not a Muslim but better than other Muslim men.

[roleary]

... ok, I tried. I hope you did and do not take offense to what I said sister... but I still think that is upsurd. I am a revert, prior to my acceptance of Islam I had situations where I felt similarly about a woman, a few actually..lol, and I can see now it is all in the mind and a test of faith. I was looking in the wrong place, people in this life are really insignificant compared to allah, seriously, they come and go all the time, even ones you fall in love with, and in the end you are alone with god. I think you get my point though... maybe a sister on this site can help you more, but I still think you blowing things out of proportion and letting emotions run rampant free from the constraints of reason, which allah has provided us for a good purpose.

[anon2294]

^ Thankyou.
I agree with what you wrote about everyone, everything being insignificant compared to Allah, I think i just need to action that and let this go. thanks.

[roleary]

glad I could be of help;)

[Orlando]

I think you should remember not all men are equal.

If a man beats her wife is it just beacause is an complete coward and frustrated man. Real men and real muslim treat well their wifes

[peacepro]

I Think U Should Tell Him To Convert To Islam For U And Tell Him About Islam But If Not Plz Stay Away From Him And U Can Get Many Guys Better Than Him .........................plz Thnk

[sipraomer]

Thanks Rob, but I think it's maybe not possible for another to understand, or insignificant in writing.
That's my whole point he is not just some man, I appreciate what you mean because thats exactly what ive been thinking for along time, that i am sacrificing my Life over a guy. I have become everything I have tried not to become, The more I pitied my mother and other women like her the worse my own outcome is. As you say in the end. Good muslim Husband. I don't want another good muslim husband. No-one can ever compare to him. I know and respect some strong practicing Muslim rolemodels but even they do not possess the traits that this man does.
This is what I can't understand, the irony of this matter, the fact that he is not a Muslim but better than other Muslim men.

First of all. All people go through difficulties. Sister let me tell you. ALthough I didn't want to discuss it here but now I am forced to. I have suffered a disturbed child hood.simsilar reasons as yours and some more difficulties in my academic and social life have been because of this disturbance. I am 25 years old now. I have suffered 6 years of depression. How ever I fought and fought and Now I am fine. The thing is that at 21 seeing my parents situation I decided never to marry. But time healed my wounds. Now i am understanding that every woman of this world is not bad and every couple is not un successful. There are good and bad people in Muslims as well as Non muslims. If he truly loves you then you should introduce him to Islam. Tell him what Islam is , if he agrees fine. If he doesn't then find a muslim person. 6 billion people are not very few in number. Let me remind you. You are not the only victim of this mishappening. I see many people suffer from this terrible unjustifiable sad situation. Like wise you should rationalize that not every one is suffering or making others suffer like it. You know what our Poet Allama IQbal one of the founder of Pakistan said.

"There are more worlds beyond stars
There are yet more tests to take"

This is my experience not a statement from a book not merely reading. I have suffered yet with the help of Allah survived.

I have learnt this secret " He doesn't lose who is lost. But he loses who loses the will to win".

[Musmat]

Hi there,

Really That is a very helpful for us....


Many Thanks,
themuslimmatrimonial.co.uk

[arabic student]

Hi dear, please dont fell so much guilt, we are human so some times we cant choose our fate,but you know what, I think what happened could turn in good way, as you both can read mor about Islam , dont push him, just help him to know about Islam and maybe later he will be Intersted to become a muslim why not maye good choose you to help such angel to be better . who knows?
may good help you
............
laila